The course of true love (or any love, for that matter) never did run smooth.
It is June, the month traditionally associated with weddings. ♡ And weddings are traditionally associated with love. ♡♡ Unfortunately, loving someone isn’t always easy—especially when we don’t understand them. For many of you, loving the introverts in your life (be they spouse, child or parent) is such a struggle, so I am offering the following suggestions in the hopes they will make you, and your introvert, happier:
- Don’t try to “fix” us Because there is nothing wrong with us in the first place. You may mean well when you try to “draw us out of our shell” but it usually makes us feel both uncomfortable and misunderstood. Yes, we need our more outgoing friends to nudge us out of our comfort zone from time to time, but if you really love us you will recognize how difficult social interaction can be for us. Instead of expecting us to change, celebrate those times when we succeed in being more extroverted. With you cheering for us, we might discover it isn’t as hard as we thought.
- Don’t interrupt If we are in the middle of a task, or reading a book, or doing anything that requires focused thought, please, please DO NOT interrupt us to tell a funny story. (Ever.) If you need to tell us something important, let us know you need to talk and then give us time to finish our current thought or sentence before giving you our attention.
- 5-minute warnings Have you ever asked us a sudden question and gotten a look of befuddlement and an incoherent mumble? That is because our brains like to do one—and only one—thing at a time. If you want us to switch tasks, or topics, please give us some warning so we can finish our current thought and give our brains time to reorient to the new topic. (We hate those befuddled mumbles too. Five-minute warnings help us sound like the intelligent and insightful people we really are.)
- Guard our solitude Being with people drains our energy. When we get home after a day at work, remember that we have just expended eight hours of “people energy.” Some days we feel like this:If you sense our energy reserves are low, do what you can to give us time to recharge. (Such as keep the kids out of our hair for an hour or two, or decline a last-minute invitation.) This is how you show us that you’ve got our back.
- Divide and be happy Many people have a limited tolerance for doing nothing, especially when they are on vacation. Unfortunately, their definition of “doing nothing” might include such things as sitting at the campground reading a book. Why would we want to read when there are fish to be caught, waves to be surfed or mountains to be climbed? At times like these, the happiest solution might be to allow some people to go “do stuff” while some of us stay behind. If this is a constant struggle in your family, consider vacationing with other families, so there will be enough people to “do stuff” and still give the introverts breathing space (meaning time to read, or chill, or commune with nature, or whatever it is we do when we are not interacting with the outside world.)
- Silence Accept that we not only enjoy silence, but we actually need it. And by silence I mean no talking, no TV, no music, no YouTube—an actual absence of noise. Many of us need this kind of silence to think effectively. As a corollary, we appreciate times of activity without conversation. When you are willing to simply be with us (whatever we are doing), and refrain from talking, you are actually saying “I love you!” loud and clear.
- Get us talking But not about any old thing. About something that interests us. We love conversations that go beneath the surface, about topics of interest or situations that matter to us or our loved ones. Get us talking about one of our passions and we just might talk your head off.
There you have it, a few simple ways to show your favorite introverts how much you love them (even if you don’t understand them.)
Have other suggestions? Leave a comment below.
Related posts:
More thoughts on loving introverts
An introvert’s guide to travel
An introvert’s guide to planning a vacation
Patti Kallal says
Hey Lisa! This was sooo good. My daughter is an introvert and I’ve learned how to have a closer relationship with her over the years. These were wonderful insights! One thing she has said to me is “just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it”. That has helped me a lot as I am one to need to “hear” things:). Is there a way I can email your post to her? I would like to get her thoughts? I want to keep it private.
Keep writing….
Patti
admin says
You can email her the link, or else try to copy and paste the whole post.
I know I sometimes frustrate people because they don’t know what I am thinking or feeling. All of us need to learn better ways to communicate with others whose brains are different than ours, don’t we?
Robin Cohn says
How did you figure all this out? Obviously you are writing the handbook on how to care and feed me and the other introverts I know.
admin says
It takes one to know one, I guess. I am surprised (and pleased) that so many people relate to my ramblings about introverts. If I can encourage others, then I am doing my job!
Beth Ellis says
It is a rare occurrence but I take issue with one of your comments. Number 2 leaves the impression that being sorely aggrieved by interruption is the provence of the introvert. Not so. It’s my observation that when any 2 people are quietly together and one begins to speak, the other is being interrupted. Unless there are those who have truly mastered the art of mindlessness there is almost always an “interrupter” and an “interruptee”. An extrovert is not without moments of serious and productive contemplation so a forced break in his concentration is aggravating and de-railing too. One gets weary of being the designated “interruptee”. I grant it may be a much more serious offense against an introvert than against a more introverted person but what you are getting at amounts to common courtesy we would all appreciate . I like your suggestion about giving a ” heads up” If you are the speaker:
1. Gently get the other person’s attention, giving him a few seconds to change mental gears and turn attention to you.
2. Mention the reason you are interrupting ( remember topic sentences in English 101?). This gives him a chance to get on the same page with you before having to process what you are about to say. It may be wise to ask if now is a good time; if not, when?
3. Proceed with conversation giving the listener time to formulate his responses before expecting more than a blank stare. The time this takes will vary widely from one individual to another. Be patient.
This is a departure from our usual barge-right-in approach, but with practice can become an act of kindness. Perhaps it is a way to say “I love you” to ANYbody.
admin says
Good comments.
As others have pointed out, throwing labels like introvert and extrovert around oversimplifies things and leads to stereotypes that are neither correct nor fair. So, forgive me for making it sound like extroverts are always the “interrupters”. We all have our moments, and need to be reminded that the OTHER PERSON’S current activity and agenda are just as significant as ours. We should always tread lightly when interrupting.
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Maxine Butler says
loved the post and the list my son came back home recently with a broken leg after being away from home for over 30 years you can well imagine it was quite an experience for both of us and the knowing the silences were perfectly normal was one lesson that I was grateful I knew about – so you see its not always words that are need to speak of love it comes in our caring and actions and sometimes no action is the best one – don’t disturb the silence – you are still loved even at that time
Lisa says
It is freeing to not be afraid of silence. Fortunately, my family understands silence too (most of them, anyway) I am mulling ideas for a blog post celebrating silence.
Chinky Magtibay says
This is a very interesting post. I think I am somewhere in between being an introvert and an extrovert. I was able to relate to most of what you wrote here. But my favorite is the silence part, of enjoying it and actually needing it. 🙂
Lisa says
I think in this noisy world we live in, silence is more valuable–and necessary–than ever.
Kit says
This is useful and funny! Fantastic writing, Lisa. I was compelled to share (on Twitter).
Lisa says
Thanks for sharing. I have always looked at life through the lens of humor, so I am always happy to brighten someone’s day (as well as make them think.)
Jem says
loved this! I am an introvert and my spouse is very much an extrovert, you are so spot on! I love to just be home and relax and avoid most people on my days off, commune with nature and reading are my two favorite ways to recharge
Lisa says
We introverts need those quiet times to recharge. But sometimes that extroverted spouse is good for us, or else we might spend TOO much time alone. 🙂
Jem says
Haha, too true 🙂
mary says
so how did you know he was the one. his extra energy didn’t annoy you? I am the extrovert and my boyfriend of 2 years is the major introvert, I sometimes feel as if I am the annoyance in his life.
Mary says
These are all so true about my boyfriend. I never understood what an introvert was like until I started dating my boyfriend 2 years ago. I am about to go out of my mind now b/c I need more affection and emotion from him. So by him acting like this, it’s normal? I was starting to think that he’s losing feelings, but when I ask him he says no, but doesn’t really go on further. He just says it’s all in my head. It has been 2 years and yes, we still do things and bond, but he is just very to himself sometimes…. I guess it’s just normal and I have to accept it. Here’s to forever with my introvert! Thank you so much!!!
Lisa says
Glad I could help. It’s always empowering to understand what someone else’s normal is, isn’t it?
Phoebe Leah says
Hello. My boyfriend is an introvert and this has helped me alot to understand him. What i don’t know is how to convince him that i understand him and maintain my love for him.
Lisa says
Much as introverts hate talking about feelings, it is often the best way to reach understanding. Dialogue about what each of you needs to feel loved (but don’t expect him to be able to answer the first time you ask. Give him time to consider his reply.)