To Parents of Introverted Children

From time to time I find myself listening to a friend expressing concern over a child who, they fear, spends too much time alone, doesn’t have many friends and has no inclination to participate in social events. Is something wrong with this child?

Probably not. The child they describe typically sounds like a perfectly normal introvert.

After having similar conversation many times, I have realized that many extroverted parents don’t understand their more introverted offspring. These loving parents are afraid something is wrong when their child prefers spending time in their room doing solitary things rather than socializing, and they worry that their child won’t get along in this world unless they learn to “come out of their shell” and talk up their achievements.

But there is no reason to be alarmed.

Introverted children cannot be “fixed” because there is nothing wrong with them. They are the way God made them. Yes, they face difficulties in a society that prefers extrovert traits, but  be aware that introverts are often considered more reflective, independent, level-headed, refined, and sensitive than their more extroverted peers. They are also more risk-averse and less likely to cave to peer pressure and do the things all parents hope their kids never do.

Seven things parents should know about introverted children

1. Don’t force them to talk the moment they come home. They simply may not be ready. Introverts need time to process before they talk about things. Also, after being at school (or camp, or work, or the neighbor’s pool), they need some alone-time to chill and regain their equilibrium. Give them some space and when they’re ready, they’ll talk.
2. An introvert’s most vital need is time alone to recharge. If your introverted child does not have a room of their own where they can have the solitude they crave, help them find an alternative private place where they can recharge after surviving another wearying school-day surrounded by people, noise, and busy classrooms filled with colorful, extrovert-friendly décor.
3. Introverts hate being over-stimulated. And it happens easily. Our brain chemistry is different, so the noisy, adrenalin-pumping activities that make others euphoric can make us feel miserable. We don’t do well with surprises either, so a surprise birthday bash where you pull out all the stops may not make your introvert happy. (They may pretend to enjoy it, because they love you, but if you’d asked them you might have discovered they would have enjoyed an outing with a single friend much more than that party that exhausted you both.) Talk with your kids and try to figure out what fun is to them—the answers might surprise you.
4. Your child may need help expressing their feelings, especially when they encounter unpleasant emotions. Introverts tend to keep their feelings to themselves. They might not tell you when they feel upset, so parents must remember to ask every so often. And then, even when you give them a safe (ie private) opportunity to talk, they may have trouble putting their feelings into words. If so, encourage them to express their feelings by drawing, journaling or acting it out with toys.
5. Keep important conversations private. Your introverted children need feedback, but criticizing them in public is like bludgeoning them with baseball bat. If you want them to actually hear negative feedback, speak to them in private. Otherwise, they will be so busy throwing up walls to protect themselves that they’ll never hear what you are saying. As a corollary, even congratulating them in public can make them cringe. A private hug and a few sincere words of praise mean FAR more than a “You go, Girl!” shouted across the room.
6. Your child needs to know he is not weird. When others make fun of your son because he prefers solitary activities he may feel that something is wrong with him. Make sure he knows this is not true. This is particularly significant during the middle-school years when figuring out the social pecking order is so important. Doing all you can to allow them to pursue their personal passions may boost their self-confidence—even if those passions are all solitary and none of your child’s peers are aware of them.
7. Introduce them to new social situations gradually. Don’t allow them to avoid all social activities, but be aware that may need coaching, patience and understanding. Forcing them to spend more time socializing is not going to make them more outgoing, it’s going to stress them out. Instead let them inch their way into social situations, and praise them when they take a social risk (like talking to a stranger on the playground or attending a school dance.) Another trick is to arrive at events early, so your child can see the lay of the land and get adjusted before the rest of the crowd takes over.

I hope these few suggestions will help bridge the gap and make parenting your introverted children more pleasant and rewarding.

Do you have friends with introverted children? Please share this with them, too.

More reading

Things to know about introverted children

Tips for extroverts raising introverts

15 Ways to be a better parent to your introverted kid