Why would I want to write a post about how to annoy an introvert? Because I still have conversations with people who share how they used to struggle relating to a spouse or child—until they understood that person was exhibiting common introvert traits.
In that vein, I offer this post on ways to annoy an introvert, in the hopes it will help you understand the differences between introverted and extroverted temperaments. The goal, obviously, is to avoid annoying each other. I hope these thoughts help you do just that.
Interpret their need for solitude as unloving
An introvert needs solitude to recharge their energy. This is part of the definition of an introvert. Denying them solitude forces them to live in a constant state of stress.
Unfortunately, sometimes others misunderstand this need, interpreting an introvert’s times of withdrawal as antisocial or unloving. This only causes hurt all around.
So please don’t annoy an introvert by accusing them of being antisocial when they pull back to recharge. Instead, be patient and give them space. When you allow introverts a chance to recharge in quiet, they can return ready to interact with you again.
Ask them to make phone calls
Many introverts hate making phone calls. It may seem silly, but it’s true. Making phone calls drains us more than we let on. Even simple calls like calling the hairdresser or the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment.
I’m not suggesting that you should give your introverted loved ones an excuse to never make calls, but offering to make them instead when possible would be thoughtful.
Fill every moment of silence with conversation
Introverts need silence in their lives. Silence is their friend. They find silence calming and relaxing. They need quiet and solitude to recharge their inner batteries that are drained by conversation and interaction with others.
On the other hand, extroverts often find silence intimidating or uncomfortable. Thus, an extrovert may get in the habit of filling all moments of silence with conversation. For example, they might feel compelled to talk for the duration of a car trip rather than lapse into silence.
Please don’t. If you want to connect to an introvert, allow for times of comfortable silence. Your introvert friends will thank you.
Put them on the spot
Introverts typically don’t enjoy being the center of attention—especially when they aren’t able to prepare for it ahead of time. In addition, introverts tend to think more slowly and deeply, which means they often struggle to put their feelings or thoughts into words. Thus, they need time to formulate thoughtful and intelligent responses.
When they are put on the spot—expected to answer immediately—they often freeze up, and thus sound like idiots. They hate this!
Subject us to public spectacle
This is similar to the one above. Introverts don’t want to be the center of attention. Therefore, they usually dislike anything that makes them feel awkward in public.
For example, waiters singing happy birthday songs while the entire restaurant looks on or being volunteered by a friend to go on stage for audience participation. Many introverts would give anything to disappear rather than be made the center of attention in these kinds of scenarios. (But since we often avoid confrontation, we might not admit it.)
Please be aware that your introverted loved ones may not feel loved in these types of situations. If you want to make a big deal about us, we prefer you do it in small, intimate gatherings rather than in public.
Insist that having fun means noise, crowds, and high-energy activities
Introverts are more sensitive to stimuli than extroverts. (This has been demonstrated from infancy, by the way.) Therefore, where an extrovert may be energized and excited by a high-energy environment, an introvert is often drained.
To put it bluntly, introverts find overstimulation unpleasant. Therefore, when they are in the middle of a crowd or in a space filled with lots sensory stimulation, they may become weary and miserable. At this point, they are not having fun! So, please don’t equate “having fun” with a state of excitement.
Introverts love to have fun, but their ideal concept of “fun” may seem tame or boring to their more extroverted friends. What really annoys an introvert is having their idea of what is fun ridiculed or disregarded.
As with most things, look for balance and moderation. No one’s definition of “what is fun” is more correct than any other. So seek ways to engage in each other’s kind of fun.
Take them on a cozy date that isn’t cozy
Introverts love one-on-one interaction. That means they really enjoy going out for dinner or coffee with a loved one or good friend. They are anticipating a relaxed hour or two in pleasant conversation about topics of mutual interest.
However, if the environment is filled with TV screens or other distractions, or the space is too loud for normal conversation, the cozy date isn’t cozy. Don’t annoy an introvert by promising an intimate time of interaction at a space that isn’t conducive to it.
Complain that they are “doing nothing.”
We aren’t. Just because we are not moving does not mean we are doing nothing. Actually our brains are quite busy. When it looks to you like we are doing nothing we may actually be composing a song, pondering deep truths, or coming up with a brilliant creative idea.
I hope this has been helpful to those of you who are puzzled by the introverts in your life. With these principles in mind, you will be less likely to annoy an introvert when you didn’t intend to.
You might also want to read 8 Ways to Annoy an Extrovert.
And in case you were wondering, this is NOT aimed at my parents or husband, who have always accepted me the way I am.
I’m more of an introvert than I would have thought …. Oh, the things you can learn on FB ..
What I have found most interesting in my reading on introverts is the scientific explanations for WHY I act the way I do. It has nothing to do with people, really, the main issue is being overwhelmed by too much stimuli (including people) How people think is a fascinating (and very complex) subject.
Truth and humor all mixed up together – just like introverts and extroverts married to each other! What does one do when one is “on the line” between I and E; I feel schizophrenic (not literally) sometimes!
My husband is on the line too. I think that helps, he understands me but also pulls me out of my cozy introvert comfort zone from time to time.
Each introvert is different. I think and process best when I’m working hard in the yard or cleaning house, alone :~) I’d rather host a party than attend, because when hosting I can busy myself on the fringes with hostess tasks and not spend the whole time making small talk.
I just finished reading “Quiet: The Power of Introverts” this week. It is a very powerful book. It has given me a lot to think about.
I am now living with a very introverted step Son. It is something I am not used to. it is driving me crazy and putting plenty of strain on a new marriage. This kid has been living in a new country 1 year now he is turning fifteen in Feb 2016. he has made no friends at all, and sits in his room all school holidays and weekends. I have cut the internet on the week ends in an attempt to get him to go out and explore but no even close.
Any advice on how to handle this would be great. Our relationship is very bad now.
Sorry to take so long, I have been thinking about this. Obviously, your stepson is facing an awful lot of transitions. It sounds like his way of coping is to withdraw. You might want to consider talking with a counselor to verify there are not more serious issues (such as depression) Introverts do have a tendency to withdraw, but to be healthy we need to come out of our shell from time to time and relate to our family and friends. I would think that if he could find one good friend that he enjoyed spending time with, that would really help. But, unfortunately, we parents cannot make that happen. Also, try to figure what his passions are and find ways to either talk about those subjects, or suggest he get involved in lessons or a group focused on that thing.