Reflections on 29 Years

My husband and I just celebrated our twenty-ninth anniversary.

Or, to be perfectly accurate, yesterday was our anniversary, but by mutual consent we will celebrate it next weekend. We’re not too fussy about things like that—perhaps because we are both pragmatic, logical-thinking engineers.

Anyway…

As I look back over the 29 years we have been together, I see a relationship that has been tempered by time.

Many of the rough edges have been worn off: We have figured out each other’s love languages, and how to interpret each other’s moods. We have found the balance between embracing each other’s hobbies and allowing space for separate interests. We know who is responsible for what and rarely feel the need to nag about it. We have learned to appreciate those things about our spouse that help us navigate life as a team, and come to accept those things that are never going to change, no matter how much we wish it.

It might seem like we have it all figured out, that we can coast from here into our happily-ever-after golden years. But relationships don’t work that way, do they? Each phase of life brings its own challenges.

As empty-nesters, we have been freed from the commitments that come with school-aged children. We no longer need to schedule around basketball games, concerts and play rehearsals. But without children to complicate life, it can be easy to fall into a rut. Since we have no pressing responsibilities, we tend to disappear into a book, our computer or a few episodes of Dirty Jobs. Not exactly the stuff that dream relationships are made of.

We must watch that we do not become so comfortable that we begin to take each other for granted, or so wrapped up in our own worlds that we gradually drift apart. Sometimes, as I type away on my laptop or turn another page in my latest read, it hits me that I have not spoken a word to my husband since supper was over. So, a bit guiltily, I stop what I am doing and seek him out. A brief hug and an I Love You may be all we need to feel connected. Or maybe we both realize we haven’t really talked lately.

And so we do.

Because we are both still committed to the relationship, to giving up our agenda when necessary for the benefit of the other. [Even when that means stopping in the middle of the chapter during the climactic battle scene!]

Perhaps that is the secret of our 29 years together, that we value each other enough to set aside other interests. We have learned that kindness trumps selfishness, and so we have grown into an attitude that  says yes to our spouse much more often than no—in the big things and the little things.

I don’t know what challenges the next 29 years hold for us, but I do know that I’d much rather face them together.

How about you, what are your secrets for keeping a relationship healthy over the long haul?

When was the last time you told your special someone you loved them? If its been more than a few hours, perhaps its time to say it again. 🙂