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Sometimes people disappoint us. We are annoyed by their lack of manners, upset at how they seem to be falling short of their potential, or concerned by their unhealthy choices. We see an attitude, behavior or skill that needs to be improved, and we want to help them.
But it’s not our job to fix other people’s problems.
No matter how much we want to.
No matter how much they might need it.
No matter how good our intentions.
We humans were not sent to this earth to fix those around us.
A wise man put it this way:
People are not projects. Share on XDo you see how this bit of wisdom changes everything? If people are not objects needing to be fixed, then our motivation isn’t skewed by our good intentions. We are free to simply be friends. No agendas. No expectations. No guilt. No condemnation.
Benefits of kicking the people-fixing habit
- New appreciation – When we are no longer focused only on the problems we want to fix, we are able to see others in a kinder light.
- Less guilt and frustration – If people aren’t our projects, then our success isn’t based on their actions. Thus, when they ignore our advice, or continue in their annoying habits, we don’t take it personally.
- Balanced relationships – Instead of an unequal relationship of broken person and fixer, we have an equal relationship: two imperfect people who can take each other as they are, warts and all, and share life together.
- Authenticity – People know when we are investing our time in them because we care about them, not because we are hoping to change them.
- They may actually listen – When we focus on being a good friend, we gain trust. Eventually a day may come when our friends ask us for advice—and because they have initiated the conversation, they are more likely to listen.
Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat out denial of the gospel of grace. ~ Brennan Manning
And if we can’t fix ourselves, who are we to think we can fix others?
The next time we are tempted to fix a friend or family member, we need to remind ourselves that A) I am imperfect too, and B) I am not responsible for fixing that person. Give yourself, and them, a break by resisting the urge to meddle.
I bet you’ll be glad you did.
I agree with what you say here, and yet, God commands us to love one another, which includes rebuking, encouraging, confronting, and spurring on to love and good deeds. How does that mandate fit with not turning others into projects to fix?
It can be a tricky balance, finding that area between ignoring others and fixing them. I think the main thing is to understand that we must accept them as they are first, and only when the friendship is secure and trust has been built do we consider offering advice or rebuke.