5 Tips for Introverts: Finding Sanity in a Noisy World

Sometimes I am perfectly content and minding my own business when a friend stops me and asks, “Are you upset?”

Unfortunately, I get this sort of thing a lot. My “thoughtful face” apparently looks grumpy–or at least uncheerful. Other introverts have similar problems.

People sometimes misinterpret our tendency to silence and seriousness, making assumptions about our motives that can be very far from the truth, such as:

“Don’t you ever smile?”
“I see you don’t approve.”
“I guess you don’t want to talk to me.”

But some of this is our fault. If we want to live at peace with our introvertedness and with the people around us, we need strategies that will help us relate to our noisy world.

Some of the tips below involve communicating what is really going on inside our busy heads, while others involve strategies for maintaining our energy when we’re out and about.

Pay attention to your signals.

We like the beautiful sound of silence, but if we are not careful, other people will misinterpret our silences, coming to the conclusion that we are: bored, depressed, judgmental, or purposely giving them the cold shoulder. In actual fact, our brains may be spinning with what they have just said, but if our body language isn’t communicating attentiveness, they can easily assume otherwise. Let’s face it, our default thinking mode often includes a frown of concentration, a far-away gaze and crossed arms or legs—not exactly the sorts of signals that tell others we are happy and engaged. If our silences are frequently misinterpreted, we may need to pay more attention to our body language. Uncross those arms, lean into the conversation, and at least try to smile a bit more.

Make a truce with chit chat

I know, I know, most introverts have no use for small talk. We find it boring, pointless, and (most problematic) annoyingly difficult. Faced with a roomful of chatting strangers, our brains freeze up and we stand there, drink gripped tightly in one hand, with absolutely nothing to say. But chit chat is not pointless. As Sophia Dembling says in The Introvert’s Way, small talk is the WD-40 of society.  It is where all human connections start, a necessary ritual before you may attempt more substantial conversation. So, like it or not, we have to learn how to chit chat, at least long enough to steer a conversation toward something a little deeper. My suggestions: A) practice small talk in no-pressure situations, like the check-out line or while waiting for soccer practice to end. B) learn to draw others out by asking questions. Get them talking about their job, or hobbies, anything more substantial than the weather and the latest celebrity news.

Understand that managing your energy level is important

Sometimes declining an invitation, or leaving the party early is the better part of wisdom. We know how grumpy we get when we stay past our limits, so we should not let guilt push us into a situation we could have avoided. We must accept that keeping within our boundaries is not only best for us, but everyone around us, too. Once friends or family members grasp this, they will become our advocates, coming to our rescue when they see the signs of impending meltdown. (If they do intervene for you, for Heaven’s sake, accept their help gracefully!)

Learn when to say yes

Even introverts need social interaction from time to time. The trick can be figuring out which events to attend and which to decline. Here are some questions that can help you decide:

Is the invitation from someone who is important to me? If not, there is little risk in declining. If this person is important, do they need my moral support for this event? Will they be hurt if I don’t at least make an appearance?  Is this event important to my spouse? If so, do they need me to come along, or is it fine for them to go solo? Is the invitation from someone I hope to develop a closer relationship with? Is this event something I will likely enjoy, or only something I think I ought to enjoy because others seem to? Is the event the kind of thing that’s worth doing just to say I’ve done it? And finally, have I been stuck in a solitude rut too long and just need to get my butt out the door for a change?

Learn how to take solitude breaks

Sometimes we are in a situation where we cannot duck out, but our energy level is getting low. This is when we need a solitude break—sort of like a “power nap” only without the nap. The simplest solution is often a trip to the bathroom. Take a few minutes to close your eyes, breathe, and relax in complete solitude. (Some people admit to taking a book with them and actually reading a few pages to recharge. Whatever works.) Another suggestion is to spend a few minutes looking out a window or perusing a bookcase.  Or you can step outside for a breath of fresh air. As a last resort, you can find an out-of-the-way corner and escape inward, allowing the conversations to flow past you without paying attention.

Here are a few more solitude suggestions, for those times when you’re stuck in a houseful of people for an extended period:

• Go outside for some solo “exercise” (which may mean nothing more than a slow meander around the block.) Taking the dog is optional.
• Volunteer for errands. Get out of the house by running to the store for milk and tortilla chips. Decline (politely) when others offer to come along to keep you company.
• Set up a jigsaw puzzle in the corner and escape into it when you need a break from Cousin Sam’s war stories or Aunt Matilda’s gripes about Medicare. Other puzzle-lovers are free to join you. You can be together in happy silence.
• Find an excuse to putter: Look through old photos in the attic or boxes of LPs in the basement. Find something that needs to be fixed and wander off to find the tools. Stroll along the flower beds and pick a bouquet for the dinner table. Play with the cat.
• Doing a mindless task like knitting can give our busy brains just enough focus so the family chat session doesn’t become too onerous.

What have I missed? Do you have other people-friendly strategies for introverts? If so, I’d love to hear them.