We all absorb messages about ourselves and how we should behave from the people and situations around us. The problem is that we rarely stop to analyze which messages are valid and which are not.
By the time we reach adulthood we have collected an extensive list of how we should live, what we ought to do and what our lives must look like.
Must. Ought. Should.
We all have a little voice in our heads whispering these words. You should be more like her. You ought to keep your floors spotless. You must not let anyone push you around.
Sometimes these musts, oughts, and shoulds are useful. They help us navigate life wisely and make good decisions. More often than not, however, the musts, oughts and shoulds imply there is a “a single right way to behave” and we are failing to measure up to it.
Hello guilt.
But wait. We have another choice. We stand up and take charge instead of continuing to let them control us. Because that little voice in our heads might be wrong. It might be trying to sell us a pack of lies. It might be trying to force someone else’s version of what life should be like onto us.
How to break out of the must-ought-should bondage.
When you hear that familiar voice whispering a must, ought, or should, stop and ask, “why?”
Why must I never let my hair turn gray? Why should I never disappoint anyone? Why do I believe I ought to keep the peace no matter what?
Ask yourself why and write down all the answers that underlie the belief.
For example, “Why must I keep the peace no matter what?” might be rooted in beliefs such as:
- Because I hate it when those around me are in conflict
- Because if I don’t things will fall to pieces in my jog/family/marriage/club
- Because that was my role growing up
- Because I will disappoint my ____ if I fail to do so.
When that list is complete, ask yourself what might be wrong, mixed up or skewed with the statement. For example:
- Who made me referee?
- Why do I think I’m the only one who can help the situation?
- What would happen if I didn’t? Would the world come to an end?
- Is peace really worth it no matter what, or are there times when I should not give in even though it will create conflict?
Probing the why behind your list of musts, oughts, and shoulds will reveal that many of them are based on irrational or unrealistic expectations that you absorbed somewhere along the way. You may have accepted these expectations for decades but that does not mean they are true.
- Do they align with your beliefs and values?
- Do they agree or conflict with the truth of God’s word?
- Are they helping you live a fulfilling and meaningful life, or are they hindering you?
- Are they a burden or an inspiration? An impossible ideal or a worthy goal to strive for?
You can choose to reject any must, ought, or should that you do not agree with. Let it go. The choice is yours.
It probably won’t be easy. You may have to remind yourself over and over why you no longer buy into that should or feel compelled by that must. But you can do it.
What must, ought, or should will you do battle with today?
