It seems our world is becoming more and more divisive, especially in regard to racial and diversity issues. What can you and I do to reduce the tensions and divisions around us?
Build bridges, one conversation at a time.
We cannot fix the problem on a macro scale, but we can each do our part to build bridges, understanding, and respect on an individual basis.
If you’re like me, you may avoid initiating conversations with strangers who come from a different cultural background, for fear of inadvertently saying the wrong thing and causing more tension instead of less. But we can’t allow our fears to keep us from doing our part to foster understanding and respect instead of allowing misunderstanding and hatred to thrive.
Here are some suggestions for approaching cross-cultural conversations, adapted from the book Beyond Colorblind: Redeeming our Ethnic Journey by Sarah Shin
Begin with a healthy mindset
We should approach cross-cultural interactions with the following goals:
- I want to model Jesus by extending compassion, understanding, and respect to everyone I meet.
- I want to expand my understanding of the realities of ethnicity, race, and diversity issues.
- I want to learn about other cultures, traditions, and ways of seeing the world.
- I want to find what connects us instead of what separates us.
Embrace your own ethnicity
We all have an ethnic and cultural heritage, whether we are aware of it or not. Cross-cultural learning goes both ways, so we must be prepared to discuss our own heritage. If someone asked you, “What is your ethnic heritage?” how would you answer? If your ancestors arrived in the U.S. many generations ago—as mine did—you may find it difficult to answer. Sure I can list the British roots of various ancestors, but how has that influenced the traditions and values my family handed down to me?
The thing is, we’ll be much better equipped to handle conversations about ethnic heritage if we start with a solid understanding of our own ethnicity. I challenge you to come up with a thoughtful, deeper-than-surface answer regarding your heritage.
Practice cultural conversations on friends
The next step is to initiate cultural conversations with friends by asking: “What’s your ethnic background?” or “What’s your family’s cultural heritage.” Talking about this topic with friends will allow you to practice asking discussing ethnicity in a safe environment, which in turn will make later discussions feel more comfortable. In addition, the discussion will help your friends begin to think about cultural heritage in a non-threatening way.
Initiating conversations.
When starting a conversation, your first goal is to connect. Polite chitchat may not be your thing, but you need to start with generic topics and build mutual respect before broaching the subject of diversity. So begin with standard questions like:
- What do you do for a living?
- Where do you go to school?
- Where’s home for you?
If you meet in a church or at a group function, bring up that organization and find a connection point.
Then, when it feels comfortable, take the plunge and ask some variation of “What’s your cultural heritage?”
Be prepared for awkward moments
Realize that, through no fault of your own, a stranger may see you as representing a people, organization, or culture that he or she resents because of past mistreatment. In fact, with ethnic tensions so high, it’s very likely that a person from another ethnic background may see you or me with more suspicion than acceptance. This is precisely why we need to make the effort to get to know them, and to do what we can to show respect and kindness as representative of our culture.
If you encounter angry accusations about how you (i.e. your people) are at fault/ are the problem/ caused them pain/etc. resist the knee-jerk reaction to defend your innocence. It wasn’t your fault, but injustices have occurred. The best way to diffuse the situation is to offer a simple apology such as: “I’m sorry for how my people have mistreated others. I wish things could be different. I’d like to learn a better way of getting along.”
Avoiding inadvertent insults
Avoid questions or statements that imply the other person doesn’t belong.
For example, “Where are you from?” This may sound like a perfectly innocent question. If you ask someone of a similar ethnic background this question, it may be benign. However, when addressed to someone of a different culture the question implies a subtext of: I’m asking because it’s obvious you don’t belong here.
Instead try “Where’s home for you?” And if your new acquaintance answers Cleveland or Chicago don’t insult them by asking, “OK, but where are you really from?”
[Go ahead and cringe, but apparently thoughtless questions like that get asked all the time.]
You and I can learn to avoid such faux pas.
Avoid questions or statements that imply the other person’s appearance or cultural choices don’t fit your definition of normal.
Examples of statements to avoid:
- “Why do you/your countrymen (act or dress in a certain way)?”
- “How can you eat that (name of ethnic food)?”
- “How can you not like (name of food you love)?”
Avoid using adjectives that imply otherness, such as, “You have such an exotic sounding name.”
Avoid shallow attempts at connecting, such as: “I once visited (name of country).” or “My Dad had a secretary from (your ethnic group).” Statements like this imply you’ve already formed an opinion about the place or group,which won’t help you connect.
Avoid generally tactless remarks.
- Be aware of insulting idioms or cliches
- Don’t fall into stereotype judgments
- Don’t make unkind remarks about the food or traditions of any ethnic groups, such as “Raw fish is gross.” or “Turbans look uncomfortable.”
Opt for questions that indicate your teachability
Once you’ve exchanged information on ethnic backgrounds, it’s time to lead the conversation toward an opportunity to learn. Use statements or questions that convey your interest in learning about the other person and their culture. Here are some examples:
- “Can you tell me more about ___? I’d love to hear what that means to you.”
- “Can you tell me about a tradition that is particularly meaningful to you?”
- “Forgive my ignorance, but I don’t know what ___ is. Can you explain it to me? Or is there a book or video that can help me understand more?”
Remain teachable even when things grow tense
Sometimes conversations take a turn for the worse. When you detect an increase in tension, or run into an angry response you weren’t expecting, remain kind but honest. Here are some possible questions to help diffuse the tension:
- “You seem upset. Is there something I need to understand?”
- “I wasn’t expecting such a strong reaction to ___. Perhaps I’m seeing it from a different angle. Can you explain why it’s significant or how it makes you feel?
- “I think I missed something. Can you help me understand what was significant about when ___ happened?
I won’t deny that cross-cultural communication can be work, but the results are worth it. Won’t you join me in making the world a better place, one loving conversation at a time?
