A recent discussion about mentoring younger moms got me thinking—if I were asked to give parenting advice, what would I say?
I’ve been pondering my answer for a few days. Parenting is a complex business with no one-size-fits-all answers. I realized the most helpful advice should be more about principles than specifics.
So, here are the results of my ponderings—several important concepts that helped me navigate the parenting years with sanity and hope. I trust they will encourage parents and grandparents of all ages.
5 principles for saner, happier parenting.
Pick your battles
We wish our children could be perfect, but of course they’re not. Our kids have bad habits we want to correct, skills they have not yet mastered, and attitudes, preferences, and quirks we don’t approve of. This is normal.
No matter what stage of parenthood we are in, there will be more potential battles to fight than we can handle. If we try to fight them all at once, we’ll exhaust ourselves, alienate our kids, and fail to win the battles anyway.
The wise parent learns to focus on the most important issues and relinquish the rest. As you contemplate which battles are worth the fight, consider these questions:
- How does winning this battle benefit me?
- How does winning this battle benefit my child?
- Is this something I could ignore without endangering my child or her future?
- Is this battle more about convenience or pet peeves, or will it have an important impact on my child or family?
- Is the end result worth the fight?
Let them be themselves
My children prefer to read in dimly lit rooms. This drives me crazy. However, I have learned to stand back and leave them to it. Just because I concentrate best in a well-lit room doesn’t mean my children do.
Each of us has a unique combination of temperament, learning style, strengths, interests, and preferences. My ideal learning environment will not necessarily be best for my children. My preferences regarding social involvement, leisure activities, or tidiness levels may not suit their personalities. My taste in clothing, decor, or music may clash with their emerging personas.
It can be frustrating or bewildering, but the more parents can get past their own preferences and allow their kids to be themselves, the better. We can nurture them by helping them understand their temperaments, encouraging their interests and abilities as they emerge, and guiding them to appropriate ways of exercising their identities.
Focus on Progress
Kids face a lot of correction. From parents. From teachers. From coaches. Not to mention siblings, peers, and a host of others. It can be easy to internalize the concept that mistakes are bad and failure is shameful. They may also internalize the concept that some kids are “smart”, or “athletic” or “good at math”or “talented at art”.
Unhelpful beliefs like this will smother a person’s potential. Parents must help their children believe that they are capable of learning new skills and improving them through hard work. And we must help them understand that mistakes are not fatal. In fact, mistakes are a normal part of learning and of life.
Three ways to help them learn to not fear mistakes and believe in their ability to improve themselves:
Don’t freak out: If Mommy and Daddy react calmly to little mistakes, it reinforces the idea that mistakes are not the end of the world. This can be really hard when you discover your ten-year-old accidentally left the car window open when he washed the car. (Surprise!) We are all human, but as much as possible, try to handle mistakes without making a big deal over them.
Be a coach, not a quality inspector. When kids make mistakes, just pointing out what they did wrong isn’t enough to help them learn. We can focus on helping them find ways to overcome rather than just pointing out failures. And we can encourage them to try again when acquiring new skills doesn’t come easily.
Model it. Admit your own mistakes and show how you can learn from them.
Think a step ahead
We make better decisions when we’ve have time to think things through or discuss it calmly with a spouse or trusted friend. We can’t predict every parenting challenge that our kids will throw at us, but we can look ahead and predict some of the likely issues we’ll face as our kids move from one phase of childhood to the next. Taking time to think through hypothetical situations ahead of time helps us face actual situations calmly and confidently.
For example: As your child approaches school age, consider typical school-related issues he might face, such as bullying or being invited to the home of a friend whose parents you’ve never met. If your child has hit her teen years, have you considered your boundaries around teen drivers? Will you allow your child to ride with a friend who just got his driver’s license? Will you allow your newly licensed teen to drive her friends?
Parenting is full of decisions. Considering some of the tough ones ahead of time makes it a little easier.
Remember the goal
We want to protect our kids from pain and do all we can to help them be successful. However, a pain-free childhood is neither possible nor healthy. Our ultimate goal as parents is to raise children who can protect themselves, advocate for themselves, and solve their own problems. They will only learn to do those things if we step back and allow them to face trials and challenges. (Age appropriate, of course.)
Sometimes they will fail. Sometimes they will be hurt. It can be really hard to let that happen, but we must. We need discernment to know when to step in and intervene and when to step back and let them work through it on their own. Remembering the long-term goal helps us have the courage to let out kids experience tough lessons.
What key parenting principles do you find most helpful?
Do you know any parents who might benefit from some one-on-one parenting discussions? Why not give them a call.
