Are You a Good Person?

You and I will probably be a better person if we stop trying to be a Good Person.

Say what!?

If you’re confused (or you think I am), read on…

Most of us want to be Good People

We all have core internal identities that define our self-image and self-worth. For example, I think of myself as a mom, a wife, and a writer. I also think of myself as a good person.

You and I may differ on the exact definition of what qualifies as “good” but we both aspire to be considered good people. And we’d both be insulted if someone insinuated we weren’t.

Problem is, we all fail to live up to our own ideals. Take me for an example. My definition of a good person would include the following: kind, helpful, environmentally conscious, non-racist, non-biased, law-abiding, and civic-minded. (Whew! That’s a long list, and I could have added much more.)

I try to live up to those ideals, but I don’t always succeed. Because honestly, it’s impossible. We don’t always do the right thing, or always think noble thoughts, or always make the effort to act when we should.

And that’s where things get ugly. Because our self-identity is at stake here. Not only do we want to be a good person, we need to be a good person. We need our goodness to be recognized and appreciated by others, so we can feel good about ourselves.

“When we don’t get that affirmation we feel threatened, which is stressful, and we do things we would not normally do. Under self-threat we become less of the good people we mean to be.”

Dolly Chugh in The Person You Mean to Be

We humans will go to great lengths to protect ourselves from self-threat. We justify our actions, lie to ourselves, shift blame, etc. in order to save face and protect our self-identity. When it comes to a choice between living out our values vs. saving face, we often opt for the second choice. (Ouch!) The good news is, we can find strategies to help us avoid self-threat moments.

How to become a better person instead of a Good Person

We can reduce our tendency to feel self-threat if we stop thinking of our core identities in either/or terms. Some things fit into simple, either/or categories. Either I have blue eyes or I don’t. Either I ate yogurt for breakfast or I didn’t. But self-identity is not a fixed quality like eye color. We can’t define our self-identity by a single action. Or lose it with a single mistake.

If we think our good person status is either/or, we are always one mistake away from losing it. That’s an exhausting and unhealthy way to live!

When we adopt a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we can see ourselves as good-people-in-training. Sometimes we fail, but we can pick ourselves up and try again.

The fixed mindset goal is to protect our either/or status. The growth mindset goal is continually trying to be a little bit better than yesterday. Which mindset helps us get closer to the people we want to be?

7 steps to becoming a better person

1. Let go of the illusion that anyone can be a perfectly good person.
2. Admit your are not as perfect as you wish you were. Forgive yourself for being imperfect and failing to live up to your ideal of a good person.
3. Jettison the fixed mindset thinking that sees your self-identity in either/or terms.
4. Practice growth mindset thinking. Believe that you are a work-in-progress. Believe that no matter your mistakes, you are capable of doing better next time. Believe that failure doesn’t define you.
5. When you mess up, choose to admit the mistake and learn from it instead of getting defensive. This will help you make better choices the next time.
6. Recognize that we are all somewhere on the journey toward being the good people we want to be. Extend grace to others who aren’t as far along. Be inspired by those who are ahead of you. Take pride in yourself for making progress, no matter how slow.
7. Watch out for fixed mindset statements like “I’m not wasteful.”, “I’m not selfish.” , or “I’m not racist.” This fixed mindset thinking prevents us from admitting we still have room to learn and grow in that area. Instead, remind yourself that these issues are on a spectrum, and you are somewhere in the middle.

Final thoughts

Does my opening statement make sense now? I hope so. And I hope this final quote will encourage you in your journey toward becoming a better person.

“Research says that when we view ourselves as works-in-progress, we are more willing to hold ourselves accountable for our actions. We are more likely to apologize to people we have hurt and we offer better, more complete apologies. Accountability is higher, not lower, when we give ourselves room to grow.”

Dolly Chugh in The Person You Mean to Be