3 Simple Ways to Help Hurting Friends

Some people always know the right thing to say in any situation. I am not one of them. I am not naturally good at small talk to begin with, and my social radar only receives one bar (on a good day), so helping hurting friends is definitely not my strong suit.

But living with intention includes stretching myself to grow in areas of weakness. Even when I feel awkward or unequipped.

Here are three simple concepts I learned recently that give me guidance for helping the struggling people in my life. They can guide us to know what to say and how to say it.

3 simple tips to encourage hurting friends without putting both feet in your mouth

Just say something.

We feel awkward. We don’t know what to say and we fear saying the wrong thing, so we opt to say nothing. We may think this is being sensitive, (not wanting to bring up painful issues or memories) but to those who are suffering our silence can look like we don’t care. Those going through trauma see their issues all the time. It can feel insensitive and uncaring when we don’t even acknowledge the elephant in their lives. Hurting people often wish others would care enough to ask them how they’re doing.

“When someone shows up with a cast we immediately ask, “What happened?” If your ankle gets shattered, people want to hear the story. If your life gets shattered, they don’t.”

Sheryl Sandberg in Option B

I am guilty of being a Non-Question-Asking Friend. I keep my own life personal and therefore hate to intrude on others. But experts say those who have gone through grief or trauma benefit from the opportunity to talk about it openly. So the next time you see someone who’s been going through tough times, have the courage to bring it up.

For example:

I’m so sorry to hear about your cancer / your job / your mother / is a good start. At least you’ve acknowledged that the elephant exists. But follow up with a question that offers the other person a chance to talk if they want to. For example: How are you feeling? Are you scared? Or even: I don’t know what to say, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.

An honest attempt at communicating you care is better than embarrassed silence.

Ask twice

Hurting friends may not want to burden you with their issues. If you’re serious about being a listening ear and offering whatever help you can, be prepared to ask them more than once.

And don’t forget that grief and trauma linger long after the event is past. Remember to keep asking how they are feeling each time you see them, and give them a chance to talk about whatever they need to unload.

Offer specific help

When faced with an awkward situation outside our experience, it’s tempting to say, “Let me know if you need anything.”

We say this in all sincerity, but unfortunately behind this thoughtful-sounding phrase is a land mine—It puts the burden on the hurting person. They have to come up with a need they think is suitable for them to ask of us.

This isn’t what we intend when we speak these kind-sounding words, but there it is. I’ve made this mistake plenty of times in the past, but going forward I vow to do better.

What to say instead of “Let me know if you need anything.”

Use your common sense to think of something practical that you can do for your friend, and offer something specific. Here are some examples:

• Can I run any errands for you today?
• Do you need me to take your daughter to dance lessons tomorrow?
• Would it help if I brought you a pot of soup?
• I’ll stop by tomorrow at noon. If you feel like talking I can stay as long as you need. If you’re not up to it, I’ll wave hello and be on my way.
• I can ask my son to come mow your lawn sometime this week. Would that be OK?

The bottom line:

In most cases, saying something to your hurting friend (even if it feels awkward and bumbling) is better than saying nothing. Will you vow with me today to stop being a Non-Question-Asking Friend and start talking about those elephants in the room?

Consider your friends who are going through a tough time and think of one helpful thing you can offer to one of them. Contact them today and talk about it.