Is Your Hope Misplaced?

Hope is powerful. Hope is what we hold onto when we’re tempted to give up. It’s what gives us the courage to dare new things or risk rejection. Hope also comforts us when tragedy strikes or we find ourselves in the midst of problems.

But if our hope is misplaced we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment.

I was recently at a virtual writer’s conference where the keynote speaker gave us this warning:

“This book won’t do for you what you hope it will.”

The truth of his statement struck a chord. A writer spends months or years creating a book, thus it’s no surprise that writers tend to tie their hopes for happiness, reputation, and self-worth to the success of the book (whatever their definition of success).

The speaker was warning us not to make that mistake! Much of the success of a book, or any other achievement we might strive for, is not within our control. When we put our hopes in something we can’t control, we put our happiness/self-worth/success in the hands of Fate. Which means sooner or later (probably sooner) we will be sorely disappointed.

Is your hope misplaced?

We are all guilty of putting our hopes in things that won’t deliver. The kind of hope that sustains us and comforts us in tough times doesn’t come from things or people outside us. It comes from within. Sustaining hope is built upon our faith and our values rather than on externals like prosperity or achievements.

We should dream big dreams and try things that seem impossible (for us). But we must avoid the temptation of putting our hope in the success of those dreams. Because too many factors that affect the success or failure of our goals are outside our control.

Also, the satisfaction we gain from achievements is more fleeting than we like to admit. Things like publishing contracts, awards, or promotions may buoy us for a few days or weeks, but they are not able to sustain us for long.

How to avoid misplaced hope

Remember where your worth comes from.

The success or failure of any project or achievement may affect our reputation, image, fame, or self-esteem, but it won’t alter our true worth one iota.

Because our worth as an individual is based on the fact we are children of God. We are valuable because God created us.

End of story.

Notice where and when disappointment strikes.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead allow those emotions to flow. Acknowledge them, but also ask yourself why you’re feeling so disappointed. Try to get to the root of the issue:

• Why did the not-what-you-were-hoping-for outcome hit you so hard?
• What were you expecting to happen?
• Who were you hoping to impress?
• What were you trying to prove?
• Is this an area where you frequently feel disappointed?

We all have blind spots and touchy areas where disappointments are likely to hit more frequently than others. Becoming aware or our trouble spots is the first step toward overcoming the problem.

Question the validity of your expectations

“It is hard to live well if one maintains radical misconceptions about how the world works.”

Massimo Pigliucci in A Field Guide to a Happy Life

Disappointment strikes when there’s a gap between what we expected to happen and what actually happened. Thus it’s not the outcome of an event that causes disappointment so much as our expectation of what we hoped would happen.

To use writers as an example: The amount of disappointment or dissatisfaction I feel regarding my book is based on my expectations for what I hope will happen. If I was expecting my debut novel to become an instant bestseller, or to springboard me into a profitable speaking career, I will be sorely disappointed. Because those aren’t anywhere close to realistic expectations.

Since I am a beginner, I should not expect smooth sailing or rapid commercial success. Also, I shouldn’t expect to be spared the kinds of problems that most writers face, like a nasty review or an ad campaign that bombs. These are all examples of unrealistic expectations that will lead to a rude awaking, disappointment, and the need to self-medicate with an entire pan of brownies.

So, when disappointment comes calling, always take a good, hard look at where your expectations are out of whack.

The bottom line

• Our self-worth is not based on our achievements, reputation, popularity, or success. (Even when it feels like it is.)
• The more we place our hope on those things, the greater our chances of disappointment, disillusionment, and discouragement.
• We can increase contentment and decrease disappointment when we avoid misplaced hope in external achievements and instead focus on the deeper and lasting truths of who we are and what we believe.