Are you a cat person or a dog person?
A friend of mine was telling us about getting a new puppy. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but she realized that having a dog builds something important in her husband’s soul. So she’s willing to put up with it even though she’d rather not have a dog in the house. Not only that, but she’s decided to relax her rules regarding dogs in the house in order to give her husband more room to enjoy in his doggy relationship.
Since I’m not a fan of dogs in the house, I understand how much this cost her.
As the discussion continued, it became obvious that others in the conversation understood the husband and his strong connection with a dog. But I understood how the wife felt. I am a cat person. I may be fond of a dog, but I will never bond with one in the same way I bond with my cat. Meanwhile my husband is the opposite. He likes our cat, but he’ll never connect with her in the same way he bonds with his dogs.
Where is your happy place?
All this got me thinking about other ways my husband and I differ regarding what helps us de-stress and find our happy place. My husband grew up in Philadelphia, where no summer is complete without a trip to the shore. He will happily spend the whole day at the beach, fishing and playing in the waves. I enjoy a visit to the beach but after a few hours I’ve had enough. I realize many people find the ocean restorative, but I’m not one of them. The beach is not my happy place.
However, we go every year because I know how much my husband enjoys it. And since he knows my soul yearns for wooded hillsides, we also take a vacation inland where I can enjoy hikes in the woods.
Then there’s music.
When I’m feeling anxious or upset, I will play Beethoven, Saint Saens or Vivaldi. Loud! That is definitely not what my husband would choose. Why do I choose classical music to de-stress and restore balance to my mental health? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because my grandfather always had classical music playing in the background, so I associate it with safe, happy memories.
My point is, we’re all different. Classical music will never do for my husband what it does for me, and dogs will never do for me what they do for my husband. That’s perfectly OK.
So long as we respect each other’s need for things we don’t particularly enjoy.
Intentional compromises
It’s important to be self-aware enough to understand what feeds your soul and restores your energy. But you must also be aware of what others in your household need to be whole and happy.
Living intentionally means finding the balance between allowing our own needs to be met while also seeing that others have what builds them up. Sometimes that means compromise. We may have to make the intentional decision to allow a dog in the house because the value to our loved one outweighs the inconvenience we feel about it.
That’s life. Sometimes the way we’d prefer our house to operate is in conflict with what other household members yearn for. The perfect house isn’t the one that is optimized for your personal preferences, or the one that will look best on social media. It’s the one that enables everyone who lives there to feel safe, whole, appreciated, and understood. And sometimes that means an intentional compromise like allowing a dog in the house. Or the swimming pool.
Final thoughts
What helps you work off stress? What do you yearn for when you are in need of comfort? What relationships bring you joy and energize you? (Yes, even introverts are energized by time with the right people.)
Can you answers those questions for yourself?
How about your spouse? Your children? Your grandchildren?
As parents and grandparents, we can take an active role in seeing that our loved ones enjoy the relationships and activities that fill their inner tanks and help them cope with stress and disappointments. That may begin with helping them discover what those activities are. And it will probably involve some creative intentional compromises to keep everyone happy and sane.
But the effort will be worth it.
I’d not thought about intentional compromises but of course that’s what you do in any relationship if you want it to work. Like you, I’m a cat person and luckily so is my husband because while I wouldn’t mind a dog, our 3 cats would leave home in horror if we brought one home!
My cat likes people, but she will not to share her house with any four-legged family. Teaching her to compromise may be a challenge.
Not sure what we’ll do when my husband retires and has time to care for a dog.