How to Remain Friends When You Don’t Agree

It’s easier to get along with people who agree with your values, opinions, and worldview. Because we both view life from similar lenses, we run into fewer misunderstandings and find less to argue about. However, I’m pretty sure that among your friends and family there are those with whom you don’t see eye to eye. In fact, you and they may strongly disagree on certain issues.

It can be difficult to converse on friendly terms with someone when you have radically different opinions, values, or views about life. Difficult, but not impossible.

The tips below will help you face difficult conversations with confidence so you can strengthen your relationships rather than damage them.

Begin with your own heart

Choose love, not fear

When facing any kind of challenge, it’s wise to start from a firm foundation. I suggest making sure your heart and your head are in the right place before tackling a potentially divisive conversation.

Here are some truths to keep in mind:

• Differences are not a threat. The fact that other people disagree with you in no way diminishes your right to your opinions. You don’t need to change their views in order to protect your way of thinking.
• Different doesn’t mean wrong. We all like to think that we have the right way of looking at things, but last I checked only God is infallible. The rest of us need to acknowledge that our personal views are not the only right way of seeing the world.
• Other people have a right to their opinions. Assume that other people have valid reasons for their views, even if you don’t understand them. Disrespecting their views means you disrespect them.
• People are allowed to change their views. Opinions and values are not set in stone. A particular experience or a life change may give you (or a loved one) a valid reason to change an opinion. You don’t need to apologize for changing your views.
• Be ready to explain why you believe what you do. When you are sure of your personal reasons for your beliefs, you can start the conversation from a firm footing, where differences aren’t as much of a threat. It will also be easier for you to help others understand where you are coming from.

Get clear about your goals

Make your aim to break down walls, not reinforce them.

If this is a friend or loved one then your first priority is to protect the relationship. There is a time and place for trying to sway public opinion on an issue, but this is not it. Most likely you and your friend are both firmly entrenched regarding your views, so neither of you is likely to sway the other, anyway.

Therefore your goal for conversations with this person is NOT to:

• Prove the other’s view is incorrect
• Prove your view is correct
• Fix them
• Force them to change

Rather, your goal is to UNDERSTAND. To see things from their perspective. To learn why they think the way they do and why that way of thinking is important to them. Consider it an opportunity to enrich your knowledge about the world and the wonderfully diverse people whom God created.

Approach difficult conversations wisely

Aim to enter into a conversation rather than begin a conflict.

• Be aware of your tone and body language. The majority of communication happens non-verbally, so this matters a lot! If you are clear on points 1 and 2 above, it will go a long way towards helping you adopt a loving, humble, non-judgmental attitude. And that will start the conversation off on the right foot.
• Avoid hot-button issues. There may be topics that are too hot to handle because your emotions are too raw or a trauma is too recent. Be honest about it. Simply say something like “I’m too upset about __ to discuss it sanely, and I don’t want to hurt you. Can we agree not to discuss that topic today?”
• Start by acknowledging the differences. Agreeing to disagree from the beginning will allow both sides to converse honestly.
• Ask questions that seek to sincerely understand. Remember, your goal when talking with friends is to build connection, empathy, and love. Focusing on the differences won’t help. Instead, try to learn about the other’s perspective. Ask questions that will help you understand them. For example: “Tell me why this is important to you.” “Can you help me understand what this cause means to you?”

You can do this

Building relationships with people who hold radically different views isn’t easy, but it’s worth the work. Learning to see the world through the eyes of others enriches us.

Which of these tips will help you the next time you find yourself talking with someone who sees the world differently than you do?

Have you heard the good news about my novel, Death and a Crocodile? It won two awards in August. It was a finalist in the 2021 American Fiction Awards, historical mystery category and it won the 2021 Golden Scroll Novel of the Year!