The myriad ways people differ from one another constantly cause disconnects in relationships, team projects, and other endeavors. Do any of these situations sound familiar?
- Do you know people who think and talk faster than you do? They frequently demand answers or decisions before you can form words to supply them?
- You often feel frustrated at other people (children, spouse, coworkers) who move so slowly. You find yourself urging them to get moving and just do it, over and over. Why won’t they get with the program and show some initiative?
- Or perhaps you often feel annoyed with others for not seeing what is so obvious. The errors, the needs others have, or the job to be done is crystal clear to you, but they remain obtuse or insist on seeing things in a way that makes no sense.
I’m sure you can imagine similar scenarios.
We are all made differently
Other people don’t see the world the same way you do. They don’t move, think, feel, or act with the same intensity you do. And they don’t make decisions or tackle problems in the same manner that you would. In other words, other people frequently do or say things that don’t make sense to you
The possibilities for misunderstanding and frustrations are endless. When troubles arise, the best solution isn’t figuring out who’s right or wrong, but instead looking for the disconnect and finding ways to bridge it.
Here are 5 common areas where disconnects occur between people.
Understanding that they exist can help you pinpoint the sources of friction and guide you to ways to bridge the disconnects between you.
1. The speed at which people think and talk
Did you know that some people’s brains process ideas faster than others? That’s what’s behind scenario #1 above. People with faster thinking and faster verbal processing can talk circles around those of us who process things slower.
When you’re aware of this disconnect, you can bridge the gap. Faster thinkers can slow down and (patiently) provide pauses to give others space to think. Slower thinkers can take initiative by asking for time. For example, “Give me five minutes to think about that before I give you my answer.”
2. The speed at which people act (their energy levels)
Similar to the point above, some people are high-energy from the moment they hop out of bed, while others move at a slower pace or run out of energy more often. Not because we are lazy, but because it’s how we’re wired. We lower-energy folks may be able to put things into high gear for a brief time, but we cannot sustain that rate.
The whirlwind approach of the high-energy types can bewilder and exhaust low-energy types if they try to keep up. Low-energy types can frustrate high-energy types with their snail’s pace. Both types get things done, but we need to be allowed to work at the pace we were designed to handle.
3. A person’s orientation to time
People tend to focus their attention on either the past, present, or future. This time-orientation affects things like motivation and decision-making.
- Past-oriented people are focused on what has already happened. They process feelings and make decisions based on past mistakes and successes. They aren’t as connected to what is happening in the present or as agile in responding to it.
- Present-oriented people are focused on what is happening now and how they need to respond to it. They don’t pay as much attention to the events of the past, nor do they care much about how present actions will affect tomorrow
- Future-oriented people focus on what they expect to happen in the future. They are always looking for ways to accomplish their goals and move past obstacles. The past is unimportant to them, and they can be so busy looking forward that they forget to notice the present.
For a detailed discussion on time orientation and how it affects you, listen to this podcast.
4. The way a person sees the world
Each personality type sees the world through a different lens. Problems arise because we tend to forget that what is obvious to us is not obvious to others. For example, some people can’t help noticing when the meeting agenda has typos, while others immediately pick up on the tension between two coworkers. Meanwhile, others are completely oblivious to those details, but instead can’t help anticipating the main issues that will arise in the meeting and how best to overcome them.
All these people are in the same room at the same time, but their personality leads them to focus on different aspects of the situation. What’s obvious to one person is rarely so obvious to another.
5. How a person makes decisions
There are three ways we humans make decisions, with our head, our heart, or our gut. While we utilize all three, everyone favors one method over the other two.
- Head. You tend to listen to your thoughts rather than your feelings and primarily act out of logic, analysis, and what you see as good sense.
- Heart. You tend to notice your feelings and the feelings of others around you, and primarily act based on what those feelings are telling you.
- Gut. You trust your instinct and primarily act based on what your gut is telling you.
Please Remember!
In each of the areas listed above, there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG OPTION. Nor are there some options that are better, more worthy, or more holy than others. These are just basic differences in how people are created and how their life experiences have molded their personality.
If we hope to live effectively and enjoy healthy relationships, we must accept that the way other people think, act, or solve problems is just as valid as our own.
Even if it makes no sense or drives us crazy.
Instead of wishing everyone was more like me, or asking “What’s wrong with you?” begin to ask “Where is the disconnect between us, and how can we bridge that gap?
Your Turn
Take a few moments to identify where you fall in each of the five areas above.
Next, think about a relationship or group project that is causing you frustration. Try to identify where the other parties fall in these areas. Finally, choose one area where you’ve identified a disconnect and make an effort to bridge that disconnect gap this week.
