Do You Understand Me? A Glimpse into My World

I firmly believe that the path to self-growth begins with self-awareness. As I continue my own personal journey to understanding myself better, I’ve read many books and blogs about the subject.

The more I understand myself, the more I am aware of the vastly different (but equally legitimate) ways that people see the world and interact with others. This post is the first in a series of attempting to describe the nine personality archetypes defined by the enneagram.

One of the most helpful tools I’ve discovered is called the enneagram. Think of it as a lens through which we can understand different personality types.

Why do I like the enneagram?

The foundation of the enneagram is the concept that each of the nine personality archetypes has adopted a core mistruth about themselves that drives how they act, think, and feel. Therefore, the enneagram isn’t a list of character traits that are associated with a certain personality. It’s much simpler, but also much deeper.

Most importantly of all, the enneagram is intended as a tool to help people grow. Once we realize the mistruths that have been controlling our beliefs and behaviors, we can begin to transform our thinking and grow into a healthier version of ourselves.

Over the next few months, I’ll be creating posts that give a glimpse of the world as experienced through each of the nine types. I’m starting with my own type, which happens to be type Five.

What’s it like to live as an Enneagram Five?

The core misbelief of Fives is that we don’t have enough resources within ourselves to cope with life. That motivates us to be very protective of our inner resources because we’re always afraid we might run out. We tend to have strong boundaries and hoard things like time, energy, affection, personal space, privacy, and money. This explains why others may see us as aloof and cold.

Another common Five coping strategy is to learn as much as we can, (so we’re prepared to deal with whatever happens), and to need as little as possible (the less we need, the farther our resources will stretch). Therefore, Fives are frequently information junkies and natural minimalists. Give us an interesting book and a quiet place and we are happy. No excess. No messy emotions. No unwanted attention.

The Good and the Not-So-Good

Like all nine types, our personality is both a blessing and a curse. On the healthy side, we are:

• Calm in a crisis
• Good listeners who respect another’s privacy
• Knowledgeable on a breadth of subjects
• Low-maintenance friends who don’t need frequent affirmation or attention
• The most neutral of all types, which makes us great resources for helping others make decisions. We will give you an objective answer, because we don’t filter everything we say by how it might affect your feelings.

On the other hand, like all types, our core misbelief leads us to unhealthy coping behaviors, such as:

• A tendency to spend too much time researching and collecting information instead of doing what needs to be done.
• We are easily overwhelmed by excess (big emotions, forceful people, too many demands on our attention, angry conflict). To cope, we tend to withdraw into the safety of our own heads rather than face the situation.
• We stifle emotions, often without even realizing we are doing so.
• Living so much in our own heads that we forget to pay attention to what is happening right now. Mindfulness is a constant challenge for us.

We’re not antisocial, just easily overwhelmed

“When it comes to relationships, Fives may be the most misunderstood of all types. It’s important to remember just how taxing social engagements can be for them.”

from The Road Back to You

“For Fives, relating to people is costly. It is not uncommon for them to need an entire day of solitude after being available and present to others.”

Suzanne Stabile, The Path Between Us

So true.

Not only do we need solitude to recharge out batteries, we also need time to process our thoughts and feelings after the fact. We find it very difficult to experience emotions in real time.

It’s not that we don’t care. It simply didn’t occur to us to say something.

The Road Back to You describes this eccentric Five behavior:

“You may wake up some Saturday morning to find your Five spouse has taken the dogs and headed off somewhere without leaving you a not telling you whether they have gone or when they plan to return. When they surface hours later, you might have to ask them where they went or else it might not occur to them to tell you.”

I’m not in the habit of disappearing, but I resonate with that last statement. It may not occur to me to tell you things. If you want to know what is going on inside my head or my heart, you will need to ask, and if you hope to get an answer that involves personal information, you’ll need to ask in private.

Also, Fives may not pick up on the innuendo and subtle emotional cues that others notice. As I like to put it, my emotional radar only receives one bar, so the signal has to be strong before I’m likely to notice it. We do care about you, but we aren’t very good at noticing your feelings, and when we do notice we aren’t sure what to do about it. (We don’t want do the wrong thing and appear stupid or insensitive, so we hesitate.)

We know how to be invisible

Fives are great behind-the-scenes workers, because we have no desire to be the center of attention. However, we can take this desire to avoid the spotlight too far and have developed the ability be invisible.

Suzanne Stabile describes a Five friend who has a “magic shield” which she puts on when she feels too uncomfortable in public. They performed an experiment: This friend wore her “magic shield” when she attended a potluck at a church where she wasn’t known. Afterwards, Suzanne asked those in attendance if they remembered her. “Not one person said they saw her. Not even the people she sat with while she ate.”

Suzanne goes on to say, “I have become more aware of the people who come to me with questions at events who I don’t remember seeing in the audience. These individuals are almost always Fives. It seems that Fives can hide in any group, whether it be seven or seven hundred.”

I can attest to this. As a child, I had multiple experiences where people forgot I was in the car with them. To this day, if I say hello to someone in the store without first making direct eye contact, they will not hear me. Ever.

How you can help us strengthen our relationship

Be clear and direct. Give us time. Allow us solitude to recharge.

We’re not as fast as you are, so be patient.

Fives don’t process words or feelings as quickly as some other types, and we’re one of the lowest-energy types. We simply can’t keep up with our high-energy, quick-thinking, get ‘er done friends. Scolding us for not keeping up only makes matters worse.

We need time to get our spinning thoughts in order before we answer. (If you know someone who pauses for multiple seconds before answering a question, they are probably a Five.) And if you hit us with a long barrage of words we may get lost in them and disengage. When talking to a Five, allow pauses for us to absorb what you are saying.

When you demand immediate answers, we tend to shut down and withdraw. If you want to draw out a Five, be prepared to ask personal questions and then wait for us to ponder the answer. This may take hours or even days because we can be really out of touch with our feelings.

We need help believing we are enough and remembering to act with generosity

“Fives measure life’s events by how much it will cost them in terms of money, energy, time, privacy, and affection. Fives usually don’t know what to give so they hold back.”

Suzanne Stabile, The Path Between Us

We appreciate it when you tell us exactly what you want from us. You’ll need to inform us when you’re expecting us to tell you what we feel. We need you to tell us what gifts you want. Hints probably won’t work. We may miss them completely, which only makes both of us feel miserable.

We need you to gently help us learn that we can handle more than we think we can. With trusted people at our side, we can take small steps toward facing deep emotions and demanding social situations successfully.

Want to learn more about type Fives?

Listen to this podcast where Ian Cron interviews a panel of Fives