Most of us have been taught that jealousy is BAD. It’s sinful, selfish, or a sign of moral failings. Jealousy leads to improper thoughts, such as resentment, self-pity, and coveting your neighbor’s possessions.
What if that’s not true?
What if feelings of jealousy can lead us to good?
A new definition of jealousy
According to the book Why Emotions Matter by Tristen and Johnathan Collins, emotions are neither good nor bad in themselves. They are signals from our body and/or our subconscious, that are trying to get our attention and tell us something important. For example, fear is an emotion that signals danger. It may signal physical danger, (a snake! a steep, slippery cliff!) or it may signal emotional or psychological danger (losing a loved one, the unknown, being exposed as a failure).
According to the authors, jealousy is a signal that we have an unfulfilled desire. Unfortunately, the term jealousy has acquired a host of meanings in our modern usage, so the authors define exactly what they mean by jealousy as an emotion:
“The uncomfortable feeling you get when you see in someone else’s life something that you want but do not have. … Jealousy is a unique combination of pain (because you’re reminded that you don’t have something) and a little bit of aspiration (because you hope that thing could make you happy). “
from Why Emotions Matter
To clarify the difference between neutral jealousy and darker emotions, they add:
“By our definition, jealousy does not include any feeling of hostility toward the person who has the thing you want. For that, we’re going to use ‘envy.’”
from Why Emotions Matter
In summary, jealousy makes our desires known to our conscious mind. It brings to light desires we’ve been ignoring. What we do with that signal is where we often get into trouble.
Jealousy gone wrong
When we experience a sudden pang of jealousy, we tend to do one several things:
- Automatically identify the feeling as “wrong” and try to stifle the feeling and the desire it awakened.
- We can focus on the person who has what we desire, and allow jealousy to morph into envy, which results in bitterness, resentment, and hostility. Envy can ruin relationships and ultimately end in depression. What makes envy more destructive is that it puts a barrier between us and people we could respect and learn from—precisely because they have something we desire.
- We can focus on the something we desire (a new car, a boyfriend, a promotion, finally being thanked for all our work). This can lead to us to becoming obsessed over that thing we want. We turn it into an idol, giving it far more priority in our lives than it deserves. We may also build unrealistic dreams of how much happiness and satisfaction that something will bring us when we finally obtain it. (A recipe for disappointment.)
- Or, we can focus on the fact we don’t have it, which leads us into self-pity. The root of self-pity is ingratitude, and this narrow focus on what we lack leaves us stuck, stagnant, and miserable.
A better way to look at jealousy
Instead of the unhealthy and unhelpful responses above, we can choose a different path. Going back to the original concept, jealousy is a signal of unfulfilled desire.
We were created to desire good things, such as relationships with others and God, having purpose in life, peace, beauty and goodness. We have God-given desires to take the brokenness around us and create order in some way, whether that is writing songs, caring for the sick, or designing better refrigerators.
So then, instead of squashing jealousy, or letting it take us in the wrong direction, we can learn to listen to what it is trying to tell us, and search for positive ways to honor the deep, positive desires that caused it.
5 steps to dealing with jealousy in a healthy way
The authors of Why Emotions Matter suggest these steps:
Name your jealousy as specifically as you can. For example: I am jealous at how easily Sarah makes friends. I wish I could be that charming with strangers. Or, I am jealous that Martha is so good at painting. I wish I could create something beautiful.
Practice gratitude. Keep envy and self-pity from sprouting by immediately choosing to focus on something you can be thankful for. Make sure it is relevant to the something that sparked the jealousy. For example: I’m thankful that Sarah is my friend, and she helps me meet new people. Or, I may not be good at painting, but I’m glad I have time to work in my flower beds.
Talk to a trusted friend. A friend can help us get past feelings of envy and ingratitude. Admitting your struggle is an important step. Also, talking it out with a friend helps you gain perspective. They might remind you of good things you aren’t seeing, or they may help you discover the good desires you have and help you do something positive about them.
Look for deeper desires. Most of the time, the something that triggered the pang of jealousy is a small piece of a bigger desire. Once you’ve identified what you were jealous about, begin to ask why. For example:
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- Why am I jealous of Sarah’s ability to make friends?
- Why do I wish I could be more charming?
- Do I want to be charming, or do I hate feeling awkward with strangers?
- Do I long for more friends, or am I feeling disconnected with my friends?
- Have I been ignoring the friendships I already have?
- Have some of my friends moved on, and I need to develop new ones?
Pursue your God-given desires. After step 4 and prayer, you can identify one or more good desires that are worth pursuing. These desires will bring good things to your life and help you grow in healthy ways. As an added bonus, as you pursue these desires, the old jealousies will begin to face, because that lack they sprung from is no longer a lack.
Where does jealousy strike in your life?
Isn’t it freeing to know that jealousy can be a helpful tool that shows you deep desires in your soul that want your attention? The next time a pang of jealousy strikes, take notice.
Instead of beating yourself up or letting yourself go to envy, follow the steps above. Who knows what wonderful new adventure that pang of jealousy might lead you into.
