Permission to Feel: Learning to Be More Emotionally Intelligent

Emotions are not my favorite topic. My personality type prefers to keep emotions close to the chest, or to ignore them altogether. Unfortunately, squelching emotions and pretending they don’t exist isn’t a healthy way to live. Here are some concepts I’ve learned in my journey to become more emotionally intelligent.

What I didn’t learn in kindergarten about the importance of emotional intelligence

Most of us have picked up some unhealthy habits regarding how we process and express emotions. Some are like me. We may think keeping stoic control of emotions makes us stronger or more intellectual, but sooner or later our bottled-up emotions will burst forth, and it’s not going to be pretty. Others live on the other extreme where they’ve learned to allow their emotions to sweep them away, which sometimes results in actions they later regret.

We’re also hindered by expectations on the “proper” way to express emotions from our cultural heritage, society, gender, and religious affiliations—all of which may have led us into unhealthy behaviors or attitudes about what emotions are and what to do with them. And on top of all that, emotions are often unpleasant or inconvenient.

It’s no wonder most of us struggle with them.

However, more and more studies show that handling emotions with intelligence is important to our well-being and success in life.

“Emotions play a pivotal role in making smart decisions, connecting with other people, and taking care of our minds and bodies. Experiencing emotions is a good and healthy thing. In fact, emotional intelligence (EQ) is actually a better predictor of success in life than traditional intelligence measures.”  

From the book Why Emotions Matter

Some basic truths about emotions and emotional intelligence

• Feeling emotions doesn’t make you weak, non-intellectual, or wishy-washy.
• We were created to feel emotions. They are important and natural.
• Our emotional health is interconnected to our physical and spiritual health.
• Our body gives us physical sensations that communicate emotions. Long-ignored emotions can result in physical problems.
• We can’t just pick the “nice” emotions. When we squelch certain emotions, we impair our ability to feel every emotion.
• Everyone can improve their emotional intelligence and learn healthier ways to handle emotions.

Benefits of being emotionally intelligent

Having a healthy understanding of our emotions provides many benefits including:

• Stronger connections to others
• Stronger connection to God
• Better able to handle and heal from inner wounds
• Improved physical health
• More success at work

“Sharing our emotions (with words) is foundational to a meaningful friendship. It’s how we truly get to t know each other. It can be enjoyable and rewarding to have discussions about our thinking and logic, but deep and trusting friendships are built on sharing our fears, failures, joys, and sorrows. Emotions are a bridge to another person’s soul.”

From the book Why Emotions Matter

A better way to look at emotions

Instead of judging emotions as bad or good, pleasant or unpleasant, we need to see them as neutral. Emotions are merely signals—like lights on the dashboard of our souls. When we’re emotionally intelligent, we learn to decipher what those signals tell us. Here are some common emotions and what they signal:

What your emotions are telling you

• Shame signals your identity is being threatened
• Fear signals that you might be in danger—either physically or psychologically
• Anger signals that one or more of your expectations have not been met
• Sadness signals that something needs to heal
• Jealousy signals that you have unfulfilled desires
• Happiness signals that a desire has been met

When I discovered this concept of emotions as signals, it totally changed my outlook on emotions. As rule of thumb, “pleasant” emotions signal that a need has been met, while “unpleasant” emotions signal that a need is not being met. (For example, fear means our need for safety or well-being is not being met.)

Three strategies to become more emotionally intelligent

1 Pay attention

Start paying attention to what your emotions are telling you. Develop better self-awareness as you tune into your emotions without judging them as “bad” or “good.” Instead, focus on what your emotions are trying to signal to you. Where are there unmet needs in your life?

2 Watch out for masking

Sometimes one emotion is so strong that it masks other emotions. Anger is often the culprit here. We may subconsciously allow ourselves to feel anger, because we think it’s a stronger or more powerful emotion than the deeper emotions of shame, fear or sadness that might actually be the root of our unmet needs.  

3 Differentiating feelings from thoughts

In English, we often use the word feel when we actually stating something we think. For example:

“I feel like an idiot.” This is not a description of an emotion I’m feeling, but a statement of what I think I am. Here are some other examples of statements that aren’t actually feelings.

• I feel inadequate as a parent.
• We feel they should have given us more time.
• I feel like giving up.
• I feel overlooked and unimportant at work.

When trying to verbalize how you are feeling, be sure to talk about emotions instead of making judgment statements about yourself or others. For example: “I feel frustrated when my boss overlooks my achievements.” Or “I feel downhearted and exhausted with my attempts to parent my children.” (This explains the feelings behind inadequate.)

Your Turn

What signals are lighting up on your dashboard? Pay attention to what your emotions are telling you today. Then practice putting those feelings into words, either by writing in a journal or talking with a trusted friend.

Resources for further reading

Why Emotions Matter: Recognize Your Body Signals. Grow in Emotional Intelligence. Discover an Embodied Spirituality by Tristen Collins L.PC, Jonathan Collins, with Melissa Binder

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD