Want More Cooperation? Try This.

What if changing how we communicate and avoiding phrases that trigger defensiveness could help us build healthier relationships, repair misunderstandings, and enable us to gain more cooperation from others—all while helping them do the same? Is that possible?

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, it is! He’s spent decades mediating peace between hostile groups using the technique he outlines in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The book explains how we’ve adopted unhelpful communication habits that—often unintentionally—create defensiveness and anger rather than empathy and cooperation. The book teaches us how to speak, think, and listen in ways that foster cooperation and understanding rather than conflict and guilt.

The basic concepts of nonviolent communication

• When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense and counterattack rather than in empathy and understanding.
• In every relationship or conflict, both sides have needs they want to be met. Unfortunately, we’re often not consciously aware of our unmet needs.
• Emotions that arise during a conversation are often signals that we have unmet needs.
• Instead of focusing on needs, most of us make judgment statements—who is right or wrong, what ought to happen, who deserves what.
• When people express their needs without using judgmental language, they greatly increase the likelihood that others will listen, understand, and cooperate.

“It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everyone’s needs is greatly increased.”

Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg

The four-part process that leads to more cooperation

1. Observations. Make neutral observations about the situation. What has happened that prompted an emotional response or a disagreement between you and the person you’re talking to?  
2. Feelings. Identify the emotions you are feeling or that your conversation partner is feeling.
3. Needs. Discern what unmet needs are causing those emotions.
4. Requests. Clearly and gently make requests to have those needs met.

More cooperation, part one: learning to make neutral observations without judging

The goal is to state the facts without using language that the other person would perceive as criticism or judgement, but this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Many of us are in the habit of including personal evaluation, interpretation, or opinion in most of what we say.

Some examples:

Imagine a scenario where one spouse would like the other to spend more time at home with the family. Here are examples of statements that include some kind of evaluation or opinion that could be perceived as criticism.

• You work too hard.  (This is the opinion of the speaker.)
• You are a workaholic. (A judgment statement.)
• If you don’t spend more time at home, the kids will hate you. (Stating a possibility as a fact.)
• You never come home on time. (An exaggeration.)
• Obviously, you care about your career more than you care about me. (Making assumptions about the other person’s motives.)

Can you see how these statements are likely to cause a defensive response or conflict instead of cooperation?

Restating the above examples as observations without evaluation

• I worry that you are working too hard.  
• When you spend extra time at work, I’m afraid it will hurt your health and our relationship.
• The kids wish you were home more so they can spend time with you. They miss playing games with you.
• You often get home well after six. I get frustrated when I plan dinner for six and you’re not home yet.  
• When you spend extra time at work, I feel as if you don’t care very much about me or our relationship.

Instead of judgment or opinions, these statements give specific facts plus the felt needs of the speaker. These statements are less likely to cause a defensive response in the hearer, and more likely to end in cooperation and a productive discussion of the issue.

More cooperation, part two: Identifying and expressing feelings.

The second step is to accurately identify what emotions we feel about what we observed. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have much practice in noticing or accurately describing what we’re feeling. Often, we confuse feelings with an evaluation of ourselves or how others behave toward us.  

Some examples of mistaking evaluation for emotions.

• I feel abandoned when you don’t come home by dinnertime. (This is an interpretation of how the spouse behaves.)
• I feel unimportant to you. (This is a self-assessment of worth.)

The highlighted words in these examples are not emotions. In the first example, the speaker may feel afraid their spouse might leave them or angry at being left to handle the family without the spouse’s help. In the second, the speaker may feel shame about themselves or discouraged that the spouse no longer seems to show the attention and gratitude they once did.

Many of us don’t pay much attention to our feelings, so we haven’t developed a large enough vocabulary of emotion words. This list can help you find the right words to describe how you’re feeling.

More cooperation, part three: Identifying unmet needs

Identifying the emotions that we feel in connection to a situation enables us to figure out which unmet needs are the root of the issue. Conflicts arise because the parties both have unmet needs, and corresponding actions they wish the other party would take. This might be tangible actions such as agreeing to take out the garbage, or less tangible things like kindness, respect, or feeling heard. Unfortunately, we’re often not consciously aware of the needs simmering in our subconscious, let alone the needs behind the words of others.

In the scenario above, the unmet needs might include needing reassurance that their spouse still values the relationship, the children’s need for more time with the missing parent, or simply a need to know when the spouse will be home, so they can plan dinner.

See next week’s post for strategies to make requests that encourage cooperation.

To recap

When we learn to express our feelings and unmet needs by making nonjudgmental statements we are more likely to have fewer conflicts and gain more cooperation.

Resources for further reading

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD

The Center for Nonviolent Communication website. Find training and other resources.