I would like to look back over my life and see that I chose to spend my time and energy doing things that made a difference. I don’t want to look back with regret over all the opportunities I passed up because I was too afraid, too busy, too distracted, or too weary to pursue them.
How do we avoid the second scenario? By recognizing the hidden cost of saying yes to activities, opportunities, and commitments that distract us from our priorities and hinder our ability to do what matter most.
“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all and to stop saying yes to everyone can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter. “
Greg McKeown
Every yes has a cost
Our time and energy are limited resources. Each time we say yes to some task, duty, or activity, we are saying no to other possibilities. Every Single. Time.
Yet, how often do we say yes without counting the cost? How often do we freely devote our time to activities without considering what we must give up in order to do so?
What do all those indiscriminate yesses add up to in our lives? Here are a few of the hidden costs of saying yes too often.
- Overbooked schedules. When we say yes too often, we quickly fill our days with too many commitments.
- No margin. Life doesn’t always go as planned. If our schedules are overbooked, we don’t have any buffer to absorb delays and setbacks. Without a buffer, a minor delay can cause a major problem.
- Getting asked more often. When we habitually say yes, we gain a reputation as an easy mark. Which means people keep asking us because they know we’ll always say yes. We become their go-to for all extra duties and volunteer needs.
- Jumbled priorities. Saying yes indiscriminately means investing time in many trivial activities instead of reserving that time to invest it where it matters most.
- Regrets. When our lives are too busy fulfilling the many commitments we’ve made to others, we never get around to our own goals and dreams.
- Neglected relationships. Often, the most important relationships are the ones we don’t enter into our calendars. Therefore, when we say yes too often, it’s time with our loved ones that tends to be short-changed.
- Personal burnout. Ditto the above with personal time. When we’re too busy, we often sacrifice personal time to serve everybody else. We can get away with this for a while, but eventually we use up our reserves and our health suffers—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
“The more we think about what we are giving up when we say yes to someone, the easier it is to say no.”
Greg McKeown
The solution—learn to say no more often
Yes, it’s hard to say no.
Yes, saying no will sometimes disappoint others.
But, it’s the only way to be a good steward of the limited time and energy you have in this life. If you do not exercise your responsibility to choose how to use your time, the “squeaky wheels” in your life will take over and spend it for you.
We know this, and yet time after time we struggle to say no. Why?
- We like feeling needed
- We’re afraid to disappoint others and lose their approval
- Because it’s easier to say yes than to deal with conflict
- We feel guilty if we don’t say yes
- Because we don’t want to miss out on anything that sounds fun or important
- We frequently underestimate the time things will take, so we think we can do more than we really can
3 healthier mindsets to help you steward your time wisely
First, remember that it’s not our job to fix EVERY problem or meet EVERY need. You and I aren’t God. We don’t have unlimited reserves of energy and we don’t have all the answers. When we acknowledge our limits realistically, we are better able to decide when to say no, so we have energy left to say yes to our most important responsibilities.
Secondly, remember that healthy people do not interpret a no as rejection. Therefore, an honest no is kinder than a resentful yes or a maybe-that-really-means-no. Those who ask are more concerned about achieving the end result, therefore admitting we don’t have time for something is kinder than saying yes when we know we can’t do a good job because we’re already too busy. Better a twinge of disappointment for saying no upfront in order to avoid a much bigger disappointment when we fail to follow through because we’re overcommitted.
Finally, choose to focus on what you will gain instead of what you fear you might lose. Tell yourself, I am saying no to [this activity] so I can say yes to [something more important]. When we focus on what we want to gain, and why it’s important, we make better choices and feel happier about making them.
In Summary
“Every yes is an investment in something, but is that something my best choice?”
Lisa E. Betz
Do you need more help saying no instead of yes?
Sometimes we want to say no, but we don’t know how to say it. If so, I’ve created a free resource to help you.
This is great advice, but I have a counter position that is worthy. As a single 71-year-old woman, I find that too often it is too easy to say “no” and then I end up sitting on my couch with my dog watching NCIS reruns. Twenty years ago, I was at a function with the mother of a friend, who at the time was in her early 80’s and who raised 8 children and had lost her husband. She always was dressed to perfection, with make up on and the sweetest smile. I so admired her! I complimented her on how nice she always looked, she smiled and said, I have learned to say “yes” any time someone asks me out. It is too easy to say “no” and just stay home and be comfy; and as you age, you really don’t feel like going out. But she said, if you say “yes” and go, no matter how you are feeling, you will be blessed, and people will continue to remember you. She smiled and said, I always say “yes” when someone invites me to something. As I am facing those years, as a single mom of adult children, I find that there are many lonely evenings where TV and my dog are my only companions. I remember Kevin’s Mom, and so when I get a text to join friends for lunch, dinner, or whatever invitation, I say “yes”; not to people-please but for me…. to get out and feel a part of life. So seasons of life have different emphasis! For most of my life I needed to say “no”; but now in the fall/winter of my life, it is so important that I say “yes” to keep being an active part of life.
You might like reading the Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She was also a habitual no person, until her sister challenged her to say yes. Struggling to say No is a problem for some and not for all.
Everyone needs to be able to so no, it’s an important ability to have. Being a yes person, is probably a sign of a deeper issue that needs to be worked on, not to mentioned the other costs you stated
This is definitely more of a problem for some than others, but I have read that every time you practice a good no, it gets a little
easier.