Nice People Never Say No (and Other Myths about Being Nice)

You and I may have been told since childhood that we ought to be nice. But what does that look like? Dictionary.com defines nice as: pleasing, agreeable, amiable, pleasant, kind. Those sound like positive traits, until we take them too far.

Our society has warped the idea of how a nice person behaves, leading to a definition something like this: Nice means helping everyone, pleasing everyone, and always being agreeable whether you want to or not.

It’s this unhealthy concept of being nice that leads to the 5 myths in this post.

1.    Nice people never say no

Can you see what a bad idea this is? If we never say no, then we’re totally at the mercy of whoever asks us for assistance. This is neither nice nor wise.

Secondly, becoming overcommitted isn’t nice for us or the people who are counting on us. When we allow ourselves to keep adding commitments until our schedule is overbooked, we lose our ability to stay on top of it all. Things fall through the cracks. We’re too hurried to give our best work. And on top of it all, we become stressed and grumpy.

When we say yes “just to be nice” even though we’re already busy, we must find time for the new commitment from somewhere—and usually it’s our family time or our personal self-care that we steal the time from. That’s not nice!

A better mindset:

Remember, every yes has a cost. If we want to become good stewards of our time and protect our most important relationships and goals, we must say no to some requests so we can devote time to the most important things.

For help saying no kindly but firmly, check out my free guide, 7 Strategies for Saying No.

2.    If I’m nice, everyone will like me

Reality check: It’s impossible to make everyone like us.

Secondly, we cannot control whether others like us or not. If we’re stuck in this mindset, we “win” whenever we charm someone into acting friendly, and we “lose” every time we fail to do so. Who wants to live in a world where we lose every time someone has a bad day?  

A better mindset:

We can choose to be people of character, and show kindness to everyone because they are valuable human beings, not because we want them to like us. That way, we win every time, even when others act like jerks.

3.    Nice people should always be modest

Acting arrogant isn’t nice, but neither is the false humility that some people mistake for being modest. When we brush off compliments, downplay our achievements, or emphasize our sacrifices, we’ve gone beyond modesty and are misrepresenting reality.

When we diminish our abilities, accomplishments, or self-worth, we are undermining our confidence and insulting God by calling ourselves less than we are.  

When we refuse to accept sincere compliments, we devalue an act of kindness from the other person.

A better mindset:

Instead of making excuses, accept compliments with a simple thank you.

We honor God by owning all that is good about ourselves, including our accomplishments.

4.    Being nice means keeping the peace at all costs

First of all, conflict is a fact of life. It’s neither practical nor possible to avoid conflict 24/7.

Secondly, ignoring conflict doesn’t make it disappear. We may avoid it for a while, but it will continue to weigh on our hearts and minds until it’s dealt with.

Also, keeping the peace at all costs quickly becomes very expensive. When we put up a façade and pretend everything is fine when it’s not, we expend large amounts of energy trying to keep our anger, frustration, and other emotions under wraps. Sooner or later, the last straw will fall and the situation will explode, which always results is a much uglier scene.

A better mindset:

Aim for understanding and resolution rather than false peace. Dealing with problems when they first arise allows us to discuss the issue before our emotions have simmered into something we can’t control.

Also remember that staying silent in the face of injustice is tacit approval. It’s always kinder to stand up for what is right than to silently allow injustice because we’re afraid to make waves.

5.    I can fix any relationship problem if I work hard enough at being nice

It’s true that being nice tends to be contagious and brings out the best in others. However, there are people in this world who will never act nicely toward us, no matter what we do. Our efforts will never be enough to overcome their bias or their unforgiveness. When we come across such people, we must remind ourselves that their unkind behavior is not our fault.

Secondly, when it comes to toxic relationships, this strategy becomes a dangerous trap. When we are dealing with a person who is abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic, the harder we work at being nice, the more they will take advantage of us. Our niceness only perpetuates the problem. It can never fix it.

A better mindset:

As with #2, we can choose to be kind to everyone regardless of their behavior towards us. But being kind does not mean we have no boundaries. Allowing toxic relationships to continue is unhealthy for everyone.

Instead of wasting energy on relationships that keep hurting us, we need to cultivate healthier relationships with people who respect and love us.

When in doubt, listen to the actions rather than the words. Abusive and manipulative people can charm us with their words, but their actions reveal their true character.

A better way. Choose kindness over niceness.

Kindness	Niceness
Genuine and sincere	Often hides true feelings
Authentic. We want to do it	A façade. We feel compelled to do it
Has no expectations. Doesn’t keep score	Expects approval as a reward. Does keep score
Has healthy boundaries	Doesn’t have boundaries
Is motivated by character and conviction	Is motivated by an agenda to win approval
Is able to be imperfect and spontaneous	Is rehearsed and perfected
Comes from the heart	Is a shallow act

The next time you find yourself slipping into the old myths of being nice, I hope you will catch yourself and choose the way of authentic kindness instead.