Do you know what it’s like to be the victim of a crime? Years ago, our house was broken into while we were asleep. It’s an awful feeling to discover your safety was violated, your home invaded, and your possessions stolen. We can feel similar psychological trauma when people “break in” by abusing our personal boundaries. To protect ourselves from being taken advantage of in this way, we need to power up our personal deflector shield of good boundaries.
Recovering people pleaser tool #7, a personal deflector shield
If you’ve seen a space movie, such as Star Trek, you understand the concept of a deflector shield. A mysterious force field that protects a spaceship from enemy fire or a planet from enemy incursion.
You and I don’t face invasion by space aliens. But we do need to protect ourselves from the everyday incursions of those around us. They may not attack us with evil intent, but in their human nature they put their own interests first and are happy to exploit us when and how they can. They take over our schedules, use up our resources, and cause us to act in ways that benefit them, even at the cost of our own well-being.
How do we protect ourselves from these invasions? By powering up our personal deflector shield i.e., by creating and maintaining good boundaries.
What are boundaries?
Personal boundaries are limits that define us, protect our well-being and inform our decisions.
Simply put, [boundaries are] about knowing where you end and others begin. Knowing what’s yours and what’s not. Acknowledging that every adult is responsible for themselves. Having a functional boundary (one that works) means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and NOT taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.
From Connectepsychology.com
Boundaries are a critical tool in recovering from people pleasing habits. Our generosity, compassion, kindness are important aspects of our character, but they can be exploited. We need to maintain healthy boundaries in order to manage our resources wisely and prevent others from taking advantage of our good nature and desire to please.
What types of boundaries do we need?
We need boundaries to protect our well-being in many areas, including the following:
- Physical well-being. We must protect our body’s health, safety, and privacy, as well as protecting our physical needs such as diet, sleep, and exercise.
- Mental and emotional well-being. We must protect our mental health from abuse and trauma, including protecting our worth and dignity.
- Time, schedule and energy. We must protect our time and energy from being exploited by others or sapped to the point of burnout.
- Finances and possessions. We must protect our money and possessions from being stolen, misused, or abused. Also, we must guard against influences that force us to spend outside good management.
- Intellectual and moral well-being. We must protect our intellectual property from being exploited, and guard against being manipulated into acting against our conviction, beliefs, and personality.
How to use your deflector shield of good boundaries
Boundaries work in concert with the other tools in our recovering people pleasers toolkit. Here are some examples:
- When others try to exploit our time, money, or attention by demanding more than we want to give them, we need to remember our closed sign and say no to their demands, kindly but firmly.
- If others try to manipulate our accommodating nature by trying to force us away from our priorities, we must speak up for our values, priorities, and needs.
- When others try to take advantage of us by demanding we fulfill their expectations, no matter the cost to our own well-being, we must stop putting their needs first. Instead we must prioritize our responsibility to take care of our bodies, minds, and souls by recharging our personal batteries.
- When others attempt to control us through criticism, judgement, or belittling comments, we can turn down the volume on their unhealthy opinions and follow the advice of better voices instead.
No more invaders!
I don’t want to live with invaders in control of my life, using it for their own agendas and missions. You don’t either! Which means we must not allow others to hijack our lives by exploiting our people pleasing tendencies.
Instead of surrendering to the boundary invaders around us, we will use our deflector shields to protect our health, mental and emotional well-being, resources, priorities, and convictions.
Your Challenge
Choose an area where your boundaries are weak and write 2-5 promises to be firmer and clearer in enforcing them. You can use this example as a template for writing your own boundary declarations.
When others try to “invade my spaceship” by adding things to my schedule without asking (a boundary-invading action), then I will speak up to let them know I don’t appreciate them doing so (what I will do to enforce my boundary).
Also, when others try to “invade my spaceship” by adding things to my schedule without asking, I will reschedule or decline the request without guilt so that I can protect my priorities.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #7 – the deflector shield of good boundaries
A deflector shield reminds you to guard against those who take advantage of others. You must power up your shield by enforcing healthy boundaries.
