You know that sinking feeling when you glance in a mirror and discover you have an ugly smudge on your cheek? Ugh! You were blind to something that was obvious to those around us. How embarrassing! You and I have similar blind spots in our attitudes and behavior—ugly habits we don’t realize we have. And, unfortunately, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing them, we often blame others for the consequences of these “smudges” on our character.
If we want to grow stronger and healthier, we need to quit blaming others for our problems. A better choice is to look closely at how our habits, attitudes, and choices are affecting the issue. We must take responsibility for our part in the problem, and that means confronting our “smudges” and blind spots.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #8, a makeup mirror
A makeup mirror is designed to provide a closeup view so you can see the details of your face clearly. Recovering people pleasers need an internal makeup mirror to enable them to honestly confront the issues we’ve been ignoring. We see the destructive consequences but we’re unaware of how our choices affect others, or we’re in denial that we’re responsible. Either way, we need a dose of healthy self-confrontation to “see” the smudges and acknowledge our part in the problem.
Until we quit blaming others, we’ll never begin the hard work of taking responsibility for our part in the equation. Nor will we move past the problem.
Blaming others may make us feel better temporarily, but it won’t eliminate the underlying problems. Worse, blaming others makes us a victim, which in turn makes us helpless—at the mercy of those we blame.
A victim mentality is not the way to wholeness. Instead, we must take responsibility for our choices and learn to exercise our agency.
The concept of agency refers to the process of behaving with intentionality. Human beings exercise agency when they intentionally influence their own functioning, environments, life circumstances, and destiny.
Encyclopedia.com
To move from victim to victory, we must intentionally influence our situation by making better choices. The tools in the recovering people please toolkit help you do just that.
When is it time to quit blaming others and look for blind spots?
When we keep running into the same unpleasant consequences, it’s an indication there may be unresolved blind spot at work. For example, imagine you’re a manager who needs an executive assistant. However, every time you hire one, they quit after a few months. You could blame the hiring agency for supplying you with sub-par candidates. You could blame the candidates for being lazy and disloyal. Or you could blame society at large for raising a generation of self-absorbed, entitled, quitters.
However, if you’re wise, you’ll begin to suspect that you play a part in this pattern. It’s time to quit blaming others and take an honest look in your inner makeup mirror so you can figure out what habits or attitudes are sabotaging your goals.
(At this point, you and I may need feedback from others to help us identify our blind spots. We may be so used to how we approach life that we can’t see how our habits are causing problems.)
Examples of situations where people pleasers need to quit blaming others
- We blame others for taking advantage of us when we continue to let them trample our boundaries, giving in to their demands again and again.
- We complain about how exhausted we are without acknowledging how often we’ve neglected to protect our health needs or recharge our personal batteries.
- We’re angry at cynical, judgmental people for ruining our lives without acknowledging we’re responsible for listening to them. Instead of living in fear of their opinions, we can turn down the volume and hold to our convictions instead of theirs.
- We’re resentful of others for their selfishness in never letting us have our first choice when we continue to pretend we agree with them instead of speaking up and stating our preferences.
- We blame our church or other organization for forcing us to serve to the point of burnout instead of learning to say no when our schedules are full or our priorities lie elsewhere.
- We blame others for making us miserable when our emotions warn us that our outer and inner lives are in conflict. Instead, we should recognize the emotional signal, seek the underlying disconnect, and take responsibility for bringing our outer life back into integrity with our inner convictions and true personality.
As these examples show, to change from our people pleasing ways, we must accept our responsibility to exercise agency instead of falling back on excuses and old habits. It takes a dose of humility and a shot of determination, but it’s the only path out of victimhood and into a flourishing life.
Let the urge to blame be a warning sign
Whenever you are tempted to blame others this week, stop and take a look in your internal mirror. Ask yourself how your habits or attitudes might be contributing to the problem.
Instead of giving in to the blame game, put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your part in the problem. Then, exercise your agency by utilizing the other recovering people pleaser tools, such as saying no or defending your boundaries.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #8, the makeup mirror of responsibility
The makeup mirror reminds you to look at yourself honestly. If you hope to change, you must see the reality of your unhelpful habits instead of blaming others for your problems.
