Overcoming people pleasing habits can be painful because it often involves disappointing others or stirring up conflict—two things we people pleasers try to avoid! But we’ve come to the realization that our habit of avoiding the short-term pain of displeasing someone leads to long-term consequences that are keeping us trapped and miserable. We’re no longer willing to remain stuck in unhealthy people pleasing behaviors. Therefore, we need courage and determination to make brave choices like holding firm to good boundaries. Because overcoming people pleasing is worth the effort.
Recovering people pleaser tool #9, pruning shears
Pruning shears are designed for pruning—the careful, intentional trimming of some branches with the goal of making other parts of the plant healthier. A gardener prunes away dead wood and removes the sucker branches because neither one produces useful fruit. He trims other branches to control the shape, allow ideal amounts of sunlight, or limit the amount of fruit. Always, the goal is to prune off everything that gets in the way of the plant producing the best crop possible.
Pruning is a key reason that grapevines in a vineyard or trees in an orchard produce more fruit than their wild counterparts. Just as a gardener prunes an apple tree or a rosebush, we must have the courage and vision to prune away old behaviors. This enables better ones to grow and thrive.
Pruning shears remind us of hard truths regarding personal growth. First of all, pruning just a few branches won’t make much difference. Likewise, we can’t expect instant success in our attempts to change, and we shouldn’t get discouraged when our efforts don’t seem to be making a difference. Be patient and keep at it. Results will come in time.
Secondly, we must prune branches one at a time. This reminds us that we create better habits and rewire our brains one action at a time. Each tiny act of speaking up or saying no adds up over time to establish better habits and overcome our old people pleasing ways. Practice makes perfect and each time we utilize one of the recovering people pleaser tools we are making one more “snip” (i.e. one more brave choice or action) towards a flourishing life.
We need courage to face resistance.
We humans don’t like change. Therefore, the people around us will resist our efforts to overcome old habits. After the initial shock, some of our friends and family will get on board and encourage us in our positive change. But some will not, at least not for a while.
Consider what they are losing. They are accustomed to us giving in to their demands and doing their bidding. They will be unhappy with the more assertive and confident person you are becoming, one who is not so easy for them to manipulate or exploit. Expect them to whine and complain. Expect them to say things like, “when will you return to normal?” or “I liked the old you better.” In time, you’ll prove to them that the new you is a better person, and they’ll get used to the changes.
We need intentionality to make brave choices
Each snip of the pruning shears produces a small loss for the plant, but the net result is a plant that is more fruitful than before. Similarly, we won’t overcome people pleasing habits without facing many small moments of unpleasantness. What kind of painful moments should we expect as a result of our brave choices to kick our approval addiction?
- We will disappoint others. They are used to us always agreeing with them or acquiescing to their requests. We must make the brave choice to face their disappointment so we can protect our priorities and well-being.
- We will face pushback. When others have grown used to us pleasing them, they’ll voice their disapproval and annoyance when we suddenly grow a backbone and enforce limits.
- Things may get worse before they get better. Our new mindset of self-advocacy will ruffle feathers and create conflicts. Others will argue with our choices, mistake non-people pleasing for a lack of love, or otherwise accuse us of being selfish and disloyal. We must stand firm and weather the storms, holding onto the promise that they’ll come around in time.
- We’ll need to be vulnerable. When we stop agreeing with others on anything and everything, and instead begin to voice our own ideas, preferences, and desires, we can’t control how they will react. They may not agree with us. They may scoff at our ideas. We must make the brave choice to turn down the volume on criticism and dare to speak honestly.
Remember why we’re doing this
If we don’t keep our long-term goal of personal growth and freedom from approval addiction in mind, we’ll lose heart. To find the courage and persistence to keep making brave choices, we need to frequently remind ourselves why it’s important. Reasons such as these:
- Becoming more confident in our self-worth. Our worth is not based on who approves of us or how well others approve us of. Therefore, we no longer need to live in fear of other’s disapproval.
- Living in integrity with our deeply held convictions. When we ditch people pleasing, we are free to honor our convictions and personality rather than bowing to other’s expectations.
- Developing stronger relationships of mutual respect and understanding. No more pretending to be what we think they want, because that creates shaky relationships based on false personas.
- Living to please God first, not men first. When we live at the mercy of those we try to please, we are not free to honor God’s directions and flourish into the wonderful person he created us to be. No human has the right to usurp God’s sovereignty in our lives.
We can’t succeed alone
Finally, realize that we can’t succeed alone. Overcoming people pleasing habits is a long, sometimes difficult battle. Also, we must keep in mind that we are practicing a new skill. Like learning to ride a bike, we’ll fall many times before we master it.
Therefore, it’s critical that we collect supportive people to help us succeed. We need people to provide moral support. To encourage us to keep making brave choices and comfort us when we fail. We need trusted and wise people to give us feedback and helpful advice. And we need people to hold us accountable and challenge us to keep up the hard work.
Who will you count on to help you on this long but worthwhile journey to a better, more confident, happier you?
Are you ready to be a recovered people pleaser?
You can outgrow your people pleasing habits! But you’re in it for the long haul. Keep a positive perspective, remember your why, and give yourself credit for all the small victories along the way.
Each snip of the pruning shears is an important step. The more you celebrate each small win, the more confidence and momentum you’ll build to keep going. Give yourself grace for your stumbles and pat yourself on the back for each good choice.
And then take the next step.
Pruning shears remind you that recovering from people pleasing will sometimes be painful, but like a well-pruned tree, if you take one step of growth after another, you will be healthier and more fruitful than before.
