I said my final goodbye to my mother a few weeks ago. Two weeks later, I headed off on a much-needed vacation. I could feel guilty that I haven’t spent these past weeks sobbing and feeling bereft. But I choose not to accept that burden of guilt, because I know the grieving process is different for everyone. Therefore, I am giving myself permission to work through my grief without guilt that I’m doing it “wrong”.
This isn’t as easy as it sounds, because there are many ways guilt can sneak up on us.
I could feel guilty that by the time Mom breathed her last, I was a bit numb. Weary of the emotional roller coaster I’d been on ever since she started hospice and relieved the responsibility of caring for her was finally over. Instead of feeling guilt over my numbness, I see it as a phase on my long and complex journey of grief.
I could feel guilty that I wasn’t with her when she breathed her last. Instead, I’m thankful I was able to connect with her during a lucid moment the day before she died, and that her wonderful hospice nurse was in the room when Mom simply stopped breathing. Also, I’m thankful so many people offered to visit her those last months. What a blessing.
I’m still working through my journey of grieving for Mom, but here are some observations that have helped me work through grief without guilt. I hope they will help you, too.
We need to give ourselves permission to grieve—in the way we need, for as long as we need
Our society doesn’t do grief well. We want to get it over with and move on with life. We prefer feeling productive, happy, and successful. It’s tempting to squelch our erratic emotions and ignore the sadness. But that’s not a healthy mindset.
Healing from a loss happens when we stop feeling guilty for our unpredictable ups and downs and instead embrace our unique journey through this tangled forest of emotions. (A scary thought for those of us who prefer to avoid emotional stuff! But we can do it! I promise.) We don’t embrace grief so we can wallow in sadness forever, but we need to work through the messy emotions in order to move on.
Grief is not a journey we control
I don’t like this fact any more than you do—but it’s true. Grief is not a linear process, and it doesn’t have a set timeframe. We must avoid attempting to rush the process or set unrealistic expectations for ourselves about when we’ll get over it.
A grief journey involves ups and downs, moments of clarity, and moments of confusion. We mustn’t be afraid to acknowledge and express our honest emotions, even if they are messy or contradictory. The key is to allow our emotions to unfold naturally rather than trying to conform to what we think we “should” feel or how others expect us to feel.
There is no “right” way to grieve
Comparing our grief to others’ experiences is a recipe for a guilt trip. Just because someone else appears to be handling grief differently doesn’t mean they are doing it “better” or “worse.” Your journey is your own. Remember that it’s normal to have good days and bad days during the grieving process. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate through it.
Sometimes people feel guilty for laughing or finding moments of happiness amidst grief. (Or in my case, taking a vacation just after Mom’s passing.) Instead of feeling guilty for smiles and laughter, we can welcome them as gifts. We can celebrate these rays of sunshine that let us know the dark won’t last forever. This can help balance times intense sadness.
Strategies to work through grief without guilt
Although we can’t control grief, it’s helpful to have a process for working through our stuff. Here are three suggestions:
- Talking to someone can be immensely helpful. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and a safe space to express your feelings without judgment.
- Find ways to express your emotions through action. Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Alternatively, art, music, or physical activity may be what helps you process grief. Embrace the methods that work best for you.
- Develop rituals or memorial activities that hold meaning for you and help you remember and honor your loved one. This can provide a sense of closure and allow you to reflect on the positive aspects of what you’ve lost.
My goal: grief without guilt
When we’re facing the loss of a loved one, the last thing we need is guilt on top of everything else. I hope these thoughts will help you navigate your journey of grief without guilt, so you can find healing and wholeness on the other side.
NOTE: If you’re feeling overwhelmed or in despair, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief. Or consider joining a grief support group. These groups can provide a sense of community and understanding from others who have experienced loss.
