By adulthood, we’ve all learned how to adapt who we are to earn the approval of others and fit in. But fitting in doesn’t give us the deep authentic connections we need to flourish. We can be experts at managing perceptions to fit in, and yet feel lonely and unloved deep in our soul.
This is no way to live!
Working to fit in and win approval may be a necessity at work. But when it comes to the friends you choose to hang out with, why put up with pretense when there’s a better option?
Dr. Alison Cook, a psychologist and the author of The Best of You, counsels:
“When you work to manage the perception of others, you don’t connect authentically from your core sense of self. Managing perceptions means I am trying to earn your approval through my actions. On the other hand, authentic connections means I want to be known as I really am.”
The people we spend time with affect us, for good or ill. To thrive, we need relationships that build us up, affirm who we are, and provide authentic connections—ones where we are seen, heard, known, and loved.
“Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you; spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life.”
—Amy Poehler
To help you determine which friendships provide you with the nurturing connections you need to thrive, I’ve listed six qualities to look for. While no relationship is perfect, the more of these qualities you observe, the better.
Do you respect them?
We become like the people we spend time with, so it only makes sense to befriend people we respect. Nurturing relationships develop when we spend time with people who inspire us to do and be our best. With those who hold convictions we admire or who demonstrate character qualities we aspire to, such as humility, kindness, dependability, grit, and authenticity.
Are they reliable?
Our priorities are shown by how we spend our time and attention. A true friend makes you a priority. They show up to important events, follow through on promises, and mean what they say. In addition, they demonstrate consistent character qualities, so you know what to expect from them. We all need reliable friends we can rely on in a crisis. Do you have some?
Is this a two-way relationship?
Authentic connections is built on mutual respect and cooperation. Sometimes you get your preferences and sometimes you bow to hers. Sometimes you give and sometimes you receive. Both of you take initiative to do things and keep in touch. Both of you have each other’s best interests in mind as well as your own.
Do they value honesty?
Authentic connections are based on honest and open communication. True friends show each other tough love by respectfully telling the truth, even when it’s not what you want to hear. And they invite your honesty in return. These friendships don’t remain in the shallow waters of chit-chat and “safe” topics. They delve into difficult subjects that challenge you to grow and face your fears.
Do you give each other room?
Do you feel free to have other friends? To respectfully disagree on some issues? To pursue activities independently as well as enjoying the interests you have in common? Authentic connections are secure enough that you don’t fear time apart or the competition of other people. Also, you both respect and honor each other’s uniqueness, even when it means you see some things differently.
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
—Elisabeth Foley
Have they earned your trust?
Authentic connections are built on trust. When you share something about yourself, does your friend respond honorably? Do they press you for more than you want to share, or respect your boundaries and privacy? Do they listen attentively and compassionately or brush you off and talk about themselves? Have they proven trustworthy by keeping confidential information to themselves rather than talking about you behind your back? Do they accept your opinions, imperfections, and quirks or criticize you for them?
A nurturing friendship provides a safe place to share personal struggles and dreams without fear of ridicule, shame, or betrayal.
How can you have more authentic connections?
If we want to grow in confidence and live a more fulfilling, meaningful life, we need to cultivate friendships that nourish us and motivate us to live wisely and well. That means assessing our current friendships to see which ones lie up to these healthy qualities—and then investing in these friendships, rather than the ones that remain shallow and superficial.
Dr. Cook counsels: “Instead of trying to win others’ approval, you draw the right people toward you. Instead of cloaking yourself to fit in with expectations, you open yourself up to be known as you really are.” She adds that when we develop these more authentic relationships, we are “more available to show up in a healing, empowering way for others.”
“Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly.”
Henri Nouwen
Material adapted from The Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook. Learn more about what helps you thrive and brings out the best of you by listening to Dr. Cook’s podcast, The Best of You.
