Healthy friendships are built on mutual respect and effort. They involve trust, compassion, loyalty, and kindness. Unfortunately, we sometimes find ourselves in unhealthy friendships that don’t display these qualities. This post explores seven warning signs that a relationship may be holding you back rather than building you up.
Why does this matter?
Because everyone we spend time with affects us. Some positively, some not so positively. In recent posts, I’ve shared the important role positive, authentic friendships play in helping us to thrive, enjoy life, and cope with hard times. This post takes a look at the other side of the balance—relationships that don’t nurture us. Because, it’s possible to spend lots of time and effort trying to befriend people who don’t have our best interests at heart.
Problem is, we may be so used to our interactions with friends that we aren’t aware how negatively they may be impacting us. Those of us with a people pleasing habit can really struggle with this!
“Hiding your true self to make others happy keeps you stuck in relationships you don’t really want. … You look around and realize how lonely you are. You might even be surrounded by other people. Yet no one really knows you. They only know the version of you that makes them feel okay.”
Dr. Alison Cook
Are you aware of the toll unhealthy friendships take on your wellbeing? Did you know that continuing to spend time in unhealthy friendships may be hindering you from building the joyful, safe, encouraging friendships you desire?
“It’s hard to forge healthy relationships if your time and energy is spent on unhealthy situations.”
Dr. Alison Cook
That’s why It’ important to know how to identify relationships that aren’t treating us as they should. Here are seven warning signs that a friendship may not be healthy.
All give and no get
A nourishing friendship benefits both parties. A relationship where you always give to another, without them reciprocating isn’t healthy. Yes, friendship is about kindness and doing good for others, but kindness should involve give and take. If all you do is give and all your friend does is take, that’s a problem.
“A one-way relationship based only on helping the other person is not a friendship. It’s therapy.”
Dr. Alison Cook
You’re afraid to be honest
A relationship based on fear isn’t healthy. When you fear ridicule or rejection if you don’t say what your friend wants to hear, this should be a warning sign. A relationship where you don’t feel safe expressing your honest opinions or standing up for your values is not helping you thrive.
It’s all about them
Beware any friendship where the other person only takes her own interests and needs into consideration. Does your friend listen to what you want to talk about or only what interests her? Does she care about your feelings, accomplishments, and dreams, or does she only want to talk about herself? Do her preferences and plans always take precedence over yours? These are all signs that this person is too self-absorbed to be a nurturing friend.
It’s all about complaining
Sometimes we connect with people who share a common cause. This can be the basis for a great friendship when the relationship grows beyond the cause to other shared interests. However, you may discover this person is focused only on the negative. If all they ever do is complain about things and people they don’t agree with, you can be sure they will eventually find reasons to criticize you, too. There is enough negativity in the world. We need friends who will help us focus on positives.
No room for anyone else
Beware of a friend who is jealous when you spend time with anyone other than her. Ditto for those who resent time you spend with activities or groups that don’t involve them. When your friend becomes possessive, demanding all of your time and attention, this is a red flag. In a healthy friendship, both parties are free to spend time independently without arousing jealousy or resentment.
“Friendship requires closeness, affection, support, and mutual encouragement, but also distance, space to grow, freedom to be different, and solitude.”
~ Henri Nouwen
Failing to earn your trust
Good friends prove themselves trustworthy. They keep confidences, respect your privacy, honor your boundaries, and keep their promises. In contrast, when you discover that a friend has been talking behind your back, it’s a warning sign that this friend isn’t one you can trust with sensitive information.
But earning your trust happens in other ways, as well. Can you trust this person to behave predictably and consistently, or do you never know how they will respond? Does their behavior vary greatly depending on who else is present? And can you rely on them to follow through when they say they’ll show up. Or not?
Abuse and cruelty
Finally, some friendships turn abusive. You may not fear physical violence, but a cruel friend can inflict serious emotional damage. Does she bully you, shame you, insult you, or say things that bring you to tears? Do you fear she’ll use anything you say against you? Does she twist every problem to make it seem like it’s your fault? These are all serious warning signs that the relationship is toxic.
What to do when you notice signs of unhealthy friendships?
I’m not suggesting you abandon every relationship that exhibits characteristics of less-than-healthy friendships. Our friends are imperfect humans, so sometimes we put up with unpleasant behaviors in one area, because we value other characteristics.
But you need to be aware of the toll these unhealthy friendships are taking on your mental and emotional energy. Ask yourself why you want to continue this friendship. What do you gain from it, and what do you lose? Is your time and energy worth investing in this friendship?
Perhaps it’s time to develop some healthier friendships and spend less time with those who aren’t treating you as a friend should.
Material adapted from The Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook. Learn more about what helps you thrive and brings out the best of you by listening to Dr. Cook’s podcast, The Best of You.
