Have You Become Too Good At the Wrong Things?

To navigate society in a productive way, we learn how to do things like follow rules, delay gratification, sacrifice to serve others, and do things even when we don’t feel like it. These are good life skills. But we can take these adaptations too far and become too good at the wrong things. Things that drain us because they lead us to live in ways that contradict our deep beliefs, temperaments, or our true life-purpose.

Adapting to social pressures

On the one hand, there are times when it’s important to do things like:

• Put others first
• Follow accepted social rules and expectations
• Avoid conflict
• Be a good follower
• Accomplish difficult or boring tasks
• Stay in the background to let others shine

However, when these behaviors become the default way we behave, it’s no longer healthy. That’s what I mean by becoming too good at the wrong things. Adapting to other people’s expectations, values, goals, or opinions to the point we’ve lost touch with our true selves will keep us from flourishing. Instead, it leads to frustration, disillusionment, lost potential, and burnout.  

“Simply put, living an inauthentic life can be exhausting.”  Stephen Joseph, PhD in Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters

Have you become too good at people pleasing?

“A people-pleaser is a person who constantly puts others’ needs and feelings ahead of their own despite harmful consequences to their health and well-being. … they tend to disregard their needs and give too much of their time, energy, and resources. This can leave them feeling burned out or resentful in their relationships.”  from rtor.org (emphasis mine)

Here are some of the ways a lifestyle of people pleasing drains us.

It can cause physical and emotional exhaustion when we give and give and give without wise limits. That exhaustion can lead to frustration, stress, resentment, and burnout.

Also, it negatively affects our relationships. Because people pleasing is often a means to earn love and acceptance, relationships are built on conditional rather than unconditional love. Thus, these relationships are not as satisfying or stable.  

“Remember that you can’t please everyone, and trying to do so may leave you feeling empty.” from rtor.org

Have you become too good at fitting in?

It’s human nature to yearn for acceptance. Learning to fit in to a group is a useful skill.

But like anything else, it can be taken too far. We can get so good at wearing masks and blending into whichever group we are with that we lose touch with our own values and opinions. We may find ourselves doing things we don’t like, saying things we don’t believe, and supporting causes we don’t care about.

The biggest issue here is the friction that comes with acting and speaking in ways that conflict with our core beliefs and values. Habitually living in conflict with our true selves in order to fit in is emotionally and mentally exhausting.

“The distress caused by living a life that is not true to oneself lies at the heart of many of the problems that psychotherapists and psychologists encounter in their clinics.” Stephen Joseph, PhD in Authentic

Have you become too good at staying small and safe?

Some of us instinctively avoid the spotlight. We are happy staying in the background, being good team players, and competently doing our jobs without fanfare.

But staying small can also be a coping mechanism. We may hide or withdraw to protect ourselves from potential conflict, judgement, and rejection.

When we become too adept at staying small, we are allowing limiting beliefs based on past experiences to control our lives and hinder our potential. Limiting beliefs whisper that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, talented enough…

These limiting beliefs can keep us from noticing opportunities or from acting on opportunities when we see them. And this keeps us from reaching our potential or branching out into new and exciting things.

Have you become too good at a role or job that drains you?

Every job has aspects that we find a drag. Or things that stretch us to learn skills in areas we have limited natural talent. That’s all well and good…

…until the job or role evolves into one where the core tasks suck the life and joy out of us.

Often, this shift happens over time. We start in a role that suits our temperament, skill set, and passions. But then a re-organization happens, or someone quits and we need to fill another role (just temporarily, they said…). We are loyal and conscientious, so we strive to do this new role with excellence.

And then we wake up one day and realize we hate our job or our ministry role. Because it is exhausting to pour ourselves into a role that doesn’t utilize our strengths or fit our temperament.

How do we quit excelling at the wrong things?

There is no easy fix, here.

But like most areas of self-growth, awareness is the first step. I hope this post has sparked your thinking.

Where might you be excelling in something that is draining you?

What is one small step you can take to adjust your habits, lifestyle, or career toward a healthier, more authentic way of living and acting?