In response to the overwhelming number of people who discovered their inner selves after reading my previous post, I now present the following recommendations, based on exhaustive interviews with at least one of my favorite extroverts:
- Play the introvert card. Whenever an extrovert asks you to do something horribly unpleasant (like make phone calls) explain that you are an introvert, and are therefore exempt from doing anything so far outside your natural tendencies. Where did those extroverts in charge of things ever get the idea that making phone calls was in our job description anyway? They’re good at talking, let them do it.
- Insist that staying home is better than going out. Tell your extrovert better half that going out isn’t in the budget. Tell them you’ve already survived enough germ-laden environments for one day. Tell them you can’t bring yourself to face one more stranger. Whatever you do, make them stay home. (Warning: Do not try this every day or you will have serious problems. Long-term withdrawal from other people may cause your extrovert to go into depression. Or worse.)
- Point out the inherent risks. The next time someone asks you to join them for a motorcycle ride, explain that, based on miles travelled, a motorcyclist’s risk of a fatal crash is 35 times greater than a passenger car. Invited to try rappelling down a cliff? Quote a story or two about people who have died while rappelling. If you are armed with enough statistics, you can keep both you and your extrovert safe from all risky activities. Whew! Makes you feel downright noble, doesn’t it?
- Insist vacations are for relaxing. It’s a rat race out there. We spend our days frantically trying to do more than is humanly possible, so when vacations roll around, what we need most is rest. (After all, most Americans are sleep-deprived coffee addicts who need to erase some of their sleep debt before it causes major health issues.) When extrovert family members suggest a million-and-one things to do, tell them you’d rather spend the day lounging around sipping cool drinks and watching the clouds float past. If their blood pressure wasn’t off the charts before, it will be now.
- Extol the benefits of solitude. Explain to your extrovert friends that spending time alone is the best way to process our feelings and regain our equilibrium. Threaten to confiscate all electronic devices and lock them in their room for six hours so they can get in touch with their inner self. Then stand back and watch as they run screaming from the room, clutching their phone to their heart.
- Expect all dates to involve nothing but quiet dinners and intimate conversation. Sports bars? Too many TVs. Football games? Too boisterous. Concerts? Too loud. Dancing? They must be kidding! (Note: After they recover from their meltdown, do agree to their activity of choice. At least sometimes.)
- Refuse to host big parties. Or even attend them. If you are dragged to one, maintain a firm grip on your extrovert and keep him or her safely on the edge of things. Under no circumstances allow your extrovert to mingle. Your extrovert will quickly become so frustrated that they will decide to leave, which is what you wanted all along.
- Maintain decorum at all costs. Nobody wants to make a fool of themselves, but extroverts seem to get into situations where this is possible (or even likely). Do not let this happen! Put your foot down and refuse any suggested activity that involves too much alcohol, or silly party games, or karaoke, or (heaven forbid!) some sort of talent competition. They will thank you later when they see embarrassing photos of their friends.
Related Post: 8 Ways to Annoy an Introvert
Laure Covert says
wonderful! so tongue-in-cheek 🙂 I hope to see this in print soon – in tandem with your introvert post. I see the applications for marriage enrichment most strongly, although friendships would benefit, too.
admin says
Hmm, great ideas. I’ll have to see where this takes me next.
Heather says
Really, does anyone like making those sort of phone calls? I’m not sure you can play the introvert card when it comes to complaining about that health insurance denial you just received. NO ONE enjoys that! And I’m not sure any extrovert has ever been discouraged by statistics (unless it’s in the form of a statistics class).
admin says
I didn’t say it would work, just that it would annoy them. 🙂
admin says
Regarding phone calls, I was referring (somewhat facetiously) to any phone call. An introvert will simply pay the bill rather than make that phone call to the insurance.
Marge Gregory says
What a fun blog! Loved your observations, as I am one who is an introvert but secretly wishes, and actually attempts to be, an extrovert.
admin says
Thanks. In today’s society, extrovert strengths are often necessary to succeed. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all appreciate our own true strengths as well.