People pleasers hate saying no. We don’t want to disappoint others, and we want to be seen as nice and helpful, not selfish or uncaring. Unfortunately, this inability to say no often gets people pleasers into trouble, because we say yes too often to too many things, and our health, schedule, and family all suffer the consequences. Too many obligations can keep us from saying yes to your most important yes, the activities and relationships that matter the most.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #3: The open-closed sign
The open-closed sign is one of the most important tools a recovering people pleaser can utilize. Imagine you own an ice cream parlor. What would happen if you kept allowing customers to enter after closing time?
You’d be run ragged, and you’d never get the chance to do important tasks like cleaning, restocking, or churning more batches of ice cream. On top of that, you’d never be able to go home to eat and sleep.
In a similar fashion, our lives can become as poorly managed as an ice cream parlor that never closes when we neglect to say no often enough. When we’re never “closed”, we become stressed, exhausted, and resentful. On top of that, when we’re over-busy, we’re not serving anyone as well as we would like. We become too busy and spread too thin to give the proper attention to our most important yes.
Saying no isn’t unkind or uncaring
Wise people say no to requests, also. Take Jesus for an example. He frequently said no to people’s requests. Instead, he prioritized spending time alone in prayer over being available 24/7, he never performed miracles just to prove his power, and he often moved on to the next village despite people’s pleas for him to stay.
This debunks the myth that saying no is not loving. Jesus was always loving, but sometimes the most loving answer is no—even when it disappoints the one making the request.
A wise parent protects their children’s health by saying no to too much sugar or other childish requests. In similar fashion, we must consider the cost and the consequences before agreeing to a request, because sometimes declining is the better choice.
Saying no is good management
Successful people say no to most requests. They are very clear on what their top priorities are, and they refuse to let more trivial things interfere with doing their best work on their most important tasks.
That is why the closed sign is so powerful. It enables you to be “closed” to some requests some of the time, so you have time and attention to devote to other important tasks.
Each yes means a no to something else
We have a limited amount of time and energy each day. We cannot keep adding more and more tasks to our schedule without consequences. At some point, we will run out of time or energy or attention for some of the things we’ve said yes to.
And unfortunately, people pleasers usually spend their energy pleasing whoever they happen to come into contact with during the day, at the cost of their own health and their family relationships.
In other words, when we say yes to random requests or take on too many responsibilities, we are also saying no to the time we would have spent making healthier meals, exercising, playing with our kids, talking with our spouse, or recharging our souls in a favorite activity. Every yes has a cost.
Saying no enables you to protect your most important yes
Like the wise shop owner who turns the sign to closed each day, we must protect our most important priorities. To devote the time and energy we wish to the people, activities and causes that matter most to us, we must remember to use our closed sign. That means we must decline any request that potentially competes with the time we need to devote our full attention to our “most important yes” activities.
If saying no is particularly difficult for you, you can find additional helpful strategies here, and a list of polite ways to say no with kindness here.
Summary: Protect your most important yes by saying no to less important things
You alone are responsible for turning your open sign to closed. If you don’t, people will continue to take advantage of you. Like the harried ice cream parlor owner, people will demand you “serve them ice cream” no matter the hour or how many others you are trying to serve. Saying no with confidence is a powerful tool for moving past people pleasing.
Use this simple question to decide when you need to utilize your closed sign and say no:
In order to say YES to ____(my life priorities) I will say NO to the less important request of ____.
Protect your priorities by saying no more often. What request will you decline today to protect an important yes?
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #3 – The closed sign of saying no to less important requests
The open-closed sign reminds you there is a time for yes and a time for no. To protect your most important yes, you must say no to less important requests.
