Life as we know it has gone out the window. No one can predict when life will return to normal, or what that new normal will look like. As a result, we are all battling troublesome emotions.
In times like these, we may allow our feelings to get the better of us–and when emotions start dictating our lives it can lead to less-than-ideal results.
I am not a highly emotional person. You might think my lack of emotional volatility means I have an easy time remaining in control rather than allowing my emotions to take over.
You would be wrong.
And I don’t always cope with those pesky emotions in a productive way. Below are some unhelpful coping strategies I’ve tried and why they don’t work.
Five faulty strategies for coping with unpleasant emotions.
Eating chocolate will not solve anything.
I admit it; when I feel upset my first instinct is to salve those unhappy feelings with chocolate. (Good quality dark chocolate, natch.) I know using food for comfort is a bad idea, but sometimes I do it anyway.
A Better Choice: I am learning to be aware of when my chocolaty cravings are prompted by emotions and ask myself if chocolate will really help.
Monkey-mind is exhausting.
When I am angry or feeling guilty about something, I spend a lot of time rehearsing conversations in my head to confront the issue or justify my actions. Also, I go ‘round and ‘round in my thoughts, analyzing and second-guessing what I did or said during an emotionally charged situation. None of this helps. In fact, I have now realized this mental monkey-mind chatter is exhausting me.
A Better Choice: I hereby declare I am no longer going to waste mental and emotional energy holding imaginary conversations in my head! Since my personality type is protective of personal energy usage, this is a great motivator for me to stop monkey-mind in its tracks. (Yes, it will still happen, but now I’ve wised up and can cut it short.)
I cannot escape my emotions.
I cannot pretend they don’t exist. (They do.) I cannot disappear into a good book or movie and hope they will go away. (They will be waiting for me the moment I return to reality.) I cannot stuff them in an iron-bound oaken chest and hope they will die of asphyxiation. (They won’t.) I can stuff and stuff, but all I’m doing is amassing an ever-growing collection of un-dealt-with emotions.
A Better Choice: I am learning that dealing with emotions is much like exercise—sometimes we must accept being uncomfortable in order to grow. All emotions are trying to tell me something. If I stop hiding and instead embrace them I may learn something useful.
Scolding myself for allowing “bad” feelings doesn’t help.
Disappointments, misunderstandings, and virus pandemics produce emotions I don’t enjoy. Sometimes I try to eradicate the unpleasant emotions by willpower—psyching myself into feeling happy instead. It doesn’t work very well. Attempting to feel only the “nice” emotions is not only impossible, but also unhealthy.
A Better Choice: Emotions are value-neutral. They are neither bad nor good. Feeling anger, fear, or frustration does not mean I am bad or weak. It means I am normal. Sure, I enjoy feeling some emotions (ie. happiness) more than others (sadness), but the ones that make me feel uncomfortable are a normal and healthy part of life, too.
Allowing my emotions to define me.
How often do we say “I am mad.” when we feel angry? But ‘mad’ is not who I am. Mad is merely an emotion that I feel.
A Better Choice: Whenever we hear ourselves say or think “I am mad.” we need to correct ourselves and instead say “I feel mad.” That one small change gives us some distance from the emotion and the distance enables us to regain some control. We can acknowledge the reality of the feeling without it defining us or our choices.
I hope these simple truths about facing unpleasant emotions will help you face your own emotions in a healthier, saner manner.
“I have lots of thoughts. I can notice and acknowledge all of them, good or bad, but I reserve the right to act on only those thoughts that will help me live the life l want to live.” ~ Susan David, PhD
Excellent post– Thanks, Lisa! Really appreciate your insights on anger and anger management!
Always happy to pass on the lessons I am working through myself. I hope you are staying sane during this crazy time.
Lisa, You have an exceptional insight to what most of us do all the time without even realizing it. The manner in which you pinpoint behaviors and offer alternatives makes so much sense. Thank you so much.
Glad my thoughts are helpful. I hope you are finding many ways to enjoy life despite these troubled times.