Some things are not OK.
You would not be pleased if your neighbor plowed up a corner of your yard to plant a garden because she didn’t want to mess up her own lawn. It would be a clear and blatant violation of your property boundaries.
In a similar fashion, personal boundaries draw clear lines about what behaviors you tolerate and what behaviors you don’t. Boundaries protect us from abuse, injustice, and being taken advantage of. They help us remain healthy, productive, and successful.
You and I need healthy boundaries to protect our well-being, but if someone asked us to list our boundaries we’d probably find it difficult. It’s not the sort of thing you think about very often.
You may find it easier to consider boundaries in terms of the phrase, “It’s not OK when…” Here are some examples I’ve come up with. Since we need boundaries in all aspects of life, I’ve divided the list into 5 different areas.
Boundaries that protect my physical well-being and health
It’s not OK when…
- My need for rest, food, or safety is ignored
- I am abused—by strangers, family, friends, spouse, or children
- Others don’t honor my need for alone time
- Someone takes my things without asking
- My privacy is invaded
- People invade my personal space without permission
- My dietary needs are consistently disregarded
Boundaries that protect my financial well-being
It’s not OK when…
- Someone borrows money and refuses to repay me
- I loan people things and they are returned damaged
- Someone regularly requests to borrow money from me and rarely repays
- I feel forced to spend more than I can afford on gifts or other non-essentials
- People abuse my possessions
- Someone withholds money to manipulate me
Boundaries that protect my time, schedule and energy
It’s not OK when…
- Someone schedules my time without asking
- Others expect me to volunteer my time and skills for their projects
- People guilt me into volunteering for things
- People assume I will say yes without bothering to ask me
- I am not consulted before dates are selected for important meetings or family events
- I schedule time for my own needs and others don’t respect it
- My needs for rest or relaxation are ignored
Boundaries that protect my emotional well-being
It’s not OK when…
- My worth as a person is disregarded or belittled
- My feelings are disregarded or belittled
- Others dump their emotional problems on me without permission
- Someone demands I justify my feelings
- I am the victim of gossip or slander
- I’m not allowed to feel sadness, anger, or other “negative” emotions
- Someone manipulates me by threatening to withhold love
Boundaries that protect my intellectual and moral well-being
It’s not OK when…
- Others steal my ideas and claim them as their own
- My opinions or ideas are belittled
- Someone makes fun of my customs or traditions
- Someone dishonors my spiritual beliefs
- Others force me to act against my values or beliefs
- Someone insists I agree with all their opinions, values, or theology
- I don’t feel safe expressing my true personality
Do you find maintaining boundaries in one of the five areas more difficult than the others? Or do you struggle to keep clear boundaries in multiple areas?
What step will you take this week to communicate or uphold a boundary that’s been ignored in the past?
