The Fine Art of Being a Sounding Board

Last post I talked about the benefits of verbal processing to help us solve problems, make decisions, and work through emotions. This post I’m giving advice on how you can help others talk through their problems by acting as their sounding board.

Being a good sounding board for someone who needs to process is not the same as enjoying a friendly chat. A sounding board’s job is to listen without saying a whole lot. (This can be really difficult!) But it’s important. Sometimes the best way to help and encourage someone is to stay quiet and let them talk. And talk some more. There will be other times for giving your input. There will be other chances to enjoy normal conversation. This is not that time.

Some basic Do’s and Dont’s for being a good listener

• Give your undivided attention
• Turn your phone on silent and put it out of sight. Right now priority one is this conversation, not anyone else who calls.
• Look at them. This tells the other person you’re paying attention. A goodlistener should keep their eyes on their partner’s face as much as possible, paying attention to all the non-verbal signals as well as the words.
• But don’t demand eye contact. When I’m concentrating I sometimes close my eyes or stare blankly into space because I’m focused on some image inside my head. So if your partner doesn’t make eye contact, don’t take this as evasion or rudeness. It probably means they are focusing on what they are trying to say, which is the whole point.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Keep it to yourself. Never share other people’s personal information. Show respect and don’t share without permission.

How to be a good sounding board

Remember that your goal is to get the other person talking. You are there to facilitate and encourage. Your job is to listen and love, not question and fix. Counsel can come later, if it’s needed.

Resist the urge to:

• give advice
• fix their problems
• point out flawed logic
• correct grammar, facts, or chronology
• tell a personal anecdote that their story reminded you of

• Don’t question their feelings. It doesn’t matter if what they feel makes sense to you. Always respect others by accepting whatever they tell you they are feeling.
• Don’t judge. Be kind. Give them grace. Remember you aren’t perfect either.
• Resist the urge to defend others. Don’t allow the conversation to deteriorate into slander or inappropriate verbal abuse, but don’t get sidetracked trying to defend or justify the behavior of someone else in the story. Right now the goal is to listen to your friend’s story and help them work through what they need to process. If you let them talk, they may come to the insights they should all by themselves. If not, you can bring it up later.
• Be ready to be inconvenienced. People often want to talk at a time that is not particularly convenient to you. That’s life. Do your best to be available to listen when they are ready to talk.
• Don’t push. Some of us process things slower than others. When an introvert like me experiences an emotionally upsetting event, we need time to process in our own heads before we are able to put it into words out loud. So be patient. For example, when an introvert arrives home after a tough day at work or school, you may see that they are upset and want to know why. But they may not be ready to talk about it yet. They are too close to the emotions and will need to mull things over for a while before they are ready to talk. Pushing someone to talk when they’re not ready can do more harm than good.
• Give opinions sparingly. When they ask for your opinion, don’t take it as permission to jump in and fix everything. Remember the goal here is to help them process their thoughts, so instead of giving them all the answers, try to ask questions that get them thinking for themselves. For example: “How would you feel if someone did ___?” or “If you did ___ , how would it affect ___?”
• Ask questions to draw them out. Such as: “How did you feel after that happened? or “What’s weighing on your mind the most about that?”

Being a sounding board is an honor and a solemn responsibility.

It can be really difficult to listen like this and keep our thoughts and advice to ourselves. But sometimes keeping out mouths shut is the most loving thing we can do.

We all have family and friends who need a good sounding board from time to time. I hope these tips will help you help those you love.

Listen well!