Here at Quietly Unconventional, I’m often encouraging you to be your true, authentic self, but I also know how difficult that can be. Many of us struggle with shyness or social anxiety. We wish we could “just be ourselves” but we’re pretty sure letting others see the “real” us would be a disaster.
If you’re afraid the “real you” isn’t cool enough, or smart enough, or interesting enough, or successful enough, you’re not alone. 40% of the population reports that they are shy and 99% admit to sometimes feeling socially anxious.
How socially anxious are you?
Here’s a small sample of situation where you might feel socially anxious. How many of them sound familiar?
- I get nervous whenever I talk to someone important, like my boss or the bank manager.
- I hate having to talk about myself or my feelings.
- I often worry that I won’t know what to say in social situations.
- When I’m in a group, I often fear I’ll be ignored.
- I’m uncomfortable talking with people I don’t know very well.
- I feel anxious when I have to return something to a store.
- I have difficulty speaking up in a seminar, class or meeting.
- I have trouble working, writing, or doing math when others are watching me. (I can’t type without a milling typos when others are watching.)
- I find it hard to disagree with someone else’s point of view.
- I dislike being the center of attention.
Is your gut starting to churn in recognition of these potentially painful situations? If so, keep reading, because there’s hope!
Here’s help to quit hiding your authentic self
You and I can learn to overcome social anxiety and find the freedom to be a more authentic (and happier) version of ourselves. I found a great book filled with simple strategies that can help us. It’s called How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph D.
Here are some quotes from the prologue that make my quietly unconventional heart sing:
Consider How to Be Yourself a path to change—to shed the outer layers of nervousness to reveal the comfortable, confident core of who you are. No matter what you’re currently showing the world… I know your best “you” is in there.
So when I say “be yourself,” I mean the true self. The self you are without fear. And believe it or not, it’s safe to show that real self to the rest of the world.
.. believe it or not, there’s no need to change your personality. You just need to see that who you are is perfectly sufficient. Fundamentally, social anxiety is seeing our true self in a distorted way and believing the distortion to be the truth.
If there’s one thing I know deep in my heart, it’s that nothing is wrong with you. I repeat, nothing is wrong with you, even if you think you are the lone exception to this sentence.
Can you see why I’m excited to share what I’ve learned from this book? As a strong believer in being your own, unique person, AND as a fellow sufferer of social anxiety, this book hits me dead center.
But before we get to the tools that can defeat the monster, we need to know what we’re facing.
What is social anxiety, anyway?
Bottom line? Fear.
Specifically, the fear that something about our authentic self that is flawed or deficient will become obvious to others. And when that flawed something is revealed, we will be humiliated, judged, or rejected. Ugh!
This fear plays out in a variety of scenarios, but here are four very common fears that are at the root of much social anxiety.
- We’re afraid our personality doesn’t measure up. We’re too awkward, too brash, too timid, too unconventional. Or we think we’re unqualified, incompetent, or inadequate in some way. We’re sure that if others glimpse our true self, they’ll see how dorky and deficient we really are.
- We fear that we lack the necessary social skills. We’ll say the wrong thing, or we won’t know what to say at all. We’re too boring, weird, or insensitive. Or perhaps we’ll get all emotional, share too much, or get so flummoxed that we can’t say anything coherent. Then everyone will avoid us and we’ll end up orbiting the groups of confident conversationalists, too afraid to say anything for fear of sounding like an idiot (again).
- We are embarrassed by our appearance. We fear we’re not attractive enough, not wearing the right clothing, have the wrong hairdo, or picked the wrong shoes. Everyone will notice our list of flaws and reject us for them.
- We fear others will see our anxiety. We dread the thought of others realizing how nervous we are (since everyone else is obviously cool, calm, and collected). And we’re afraid we’ll reveal our nervousness through physical signs like sweating, shaking hands, or squeaking voices. And once they realize how nervous we are, we’ll be shown up for the imposter we really are.
That’s enough depressing information for one day. Now for some good news.
Social anxiety is not a life sentence
You don’t need a new personality to overcome social anxiety. You just need to make some small but effective changes that will begin to reduce your sense of social anxiety and strengthen your social confidence. You and I can do this!
A final quote from the book.
Here’s an analogy: think of temperament as an anchor, but with a long chain attaching it to our boat. Temperament doesn’t keep us static; instead, it provides a surprisingly wide range in which our boat can travel. Positive experiences can propel us to one end of our range, while fearful beliefs and avoidance can keep us bobbing fitfully on the opposite end.
Ellen Hendriksen
Below are posts to help you to shift your boat to the happier side of your anchor, where the fish are biting, and the mosquitoes are not. May these tools help you quit hiding and inhabit your authentic self with confidence and joy.
More tools to overcome social anxiety and have confidence in your authentic self
How to quiet your inner critic
How to grow your confidence one small step at a time
You’re an original masterpiece
Post updated 7/24/2024
