We all have an Inner Critic inside our heads, that negative voice that points out all our mistakes and judges us for all our deficiencies. I have always seen the Inner Critic as my adversary, but Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself has a different viewpoint.
She claims that the Inner Critic is trying to help us. She writes:
“Think of the Inner Critic as a helicopter parent, swooping in to save us from any upset. It tells us we can’t do it, we might get embarrassed, that it’s too much for us.”
“But at the same time, the Critic expects only the best from us. … The Critic wants you to do better, to be perfect, so it pushes you to perform while at the same time undermining your faith in your ability.”
No wonder we’re so messed up! Even the voices in our heads are sending mixed messages.
How to quiet the Inner Critic
Fortunately, there’s hope. Once we accept that the Critic may be trying to help us in its own warped, harsh, misguided way, we can begin to look at the messages and sort truth from fiction.
Your Critic is trying to keep you from the things you fear deep in your subconscious. In most cases, what you fear is that some deficient aspect of yourself (body, character, reputation, achievements) will be revealed.
It usually looks something like this:
When (situation that makes you anxious) happens, it’ll become obvious that I am (whatever negative beliefs the Inner Critic is telling you).
OR
I hate (activity that makes you uncomfortable) because (inadequacies your Inner Critic says you have).
For example, one of mine would be: I hate making phone calls, because I’m not good at being assertive, I get nervous and forget what I was going to say, which makes me sound like an idiot, and I feel awkward talking to strangers. (Wow! My Critic has a lot to say about this issue.)
You’re allowed to disagree
We can’t stop the negative voices in our head from speaking, but that doesn’t mean we have to agree with what they tell us. Because—NEWS FLASH—our Inner Critic isn’t omniscient. The messages it sends us are usually unhelpful and feed us a warped view of reality.
The Inner Critic is an expert negative spin doctor, taking small unpleasant experiences and turning them into worst-case scenarios, and then applying those dire predictions to as many situations as possible.
You and I can be savvy listeners who don’t believe everything we hear (even inside our head). We can learn to poke holes in the Critic’s arguments, and thereby defeat them.
The next time fear rears its ugly head and the negative voices whisper (or shout) for you to hold back instead of doing something, try the following.
Step One: Clarify the Fear
Start by asking yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” 😱
Don’t panic! I know that question makes some of you deeply uncomfortable but stick with me. Oftentimes, the jolt of fear that accompanies the Critic’s voice makes you believe terrible things are bound to happen, when in fact The Worst that Can Happen isn’t a big deal at all.
Therefore, develop the habit of always getting to the bottom of the worst that can happen. Stop for a moment and drill down until you have a specific answer.
An example:
Inner Critic (IC): Don’t call customer service and try to get them to refund you.
Me: Why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
IC: You know how much you hate making phone calls. It will ruin your whole day.
Me: That sounds like an exaggeration. How could one phone call ruin my day?
IC: First you’ll be on hold for at least an hour. Then the customer service rep will give you the runaround before rejecting your claim. And you’ll be so twisted up about it by then that you won’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.
If I kept poking holes in the IC’s dire predictions, Making that call will ruin your whole day turns into Making the call could mean waiting on hold (frustration) and getting no for an answer (rejection).
I’ve taken The Worst that Can Happen from unrealistic fearmongering to a scenario that could be true.
Step Two: Assess the Risk
Now that you have a more realistic idea of the potential worst-case scenario, consider whether your fears are justified by asking these three questions.
- How bad would the worst-case scenario really be?
- How likely is it the worst-case scenario will happen?
- If it did happen, how could I cope?
- What do I lose if don’t?
Let’s return to the phone call example.
- How bad would it be if I had to wait on hold for an hour and then after a run-around my request was denied? Well, I’d be frustrated, and it would eat into my productivity, and I’d feel disappointed at the end, but nobody would die, or end up in the hospital.
- How likely is this? Not very. While the hold time may feel like an hour, it will probably be more like fifteen minutes. And it’s just as possible that customer service rep will be able to help me. That’s her job, after all.
- How would I cope? I could take a walk to destress or drown my disappointment in a cup of tea and some chocolate. If things went really badly, I could vent my frustrations to my husband. Does any of this sound so awful? Not really.
- What do I lose? If I don’t call, I have zero chance of getting my problem fixed, plus I’ll have to face the niggling voice that tells me I’m a wimp for not making the call.
The next time your Inner Critic tries whispers that you’re a loser and you shouldn’t even try, try these simple steps to defeat the fear and live a fuller, happier, more authentic and productive life.
My inner critic can be quite strong sometimes, but I find that making sense of it and debunking each thing it says helps a lot. Thanks for writing a good post.
Everyone faces the battle to deal with our inner critics,. We all need to know we can debunk some of what we hear in our heads. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
There is definitely an inner battle sometimes — I think my inner critic can be overwhelming sometimes but I have got better at dealing with it. These are some really useful tips and reminders to keep working at it!
Dealing with our inner critic is a never-ending journey. I’m glad I can help you be more successful. Thanks for visiting.
Dealing with my inner critic is always a struggle. Thanks for this post!
We all struggle with our inner critics! All my posts are things I struggle with, and so I share what I learn to help others, too.