Sometimes our relationships face conflict. We run into disagreements, misunderstanding, insults, or worse. When that happens, getting angry and fighting back is rarely the best approach. Instead, we can often decrease tension and build understanding by actively listening with empathy to what the other party needs to say.
Unhelpful habits that inhibit active listening
We are an impatient society. When we discover a problem, we want it to be fixed as soon as possible. This attitude oozes into our conversations. When someone brings us a problem, we focus on what to say that will fix the problem, or fix the speaker’s feelings, or otherwise make us feel better.
Unfortunately, that mindset hinders empathy, because we are focused on what we can do instead of actively listening to what they want to say.
- Cheering up – Don’t feel so bad. You tried to help so …
- Advising – Maybe you should have … Maybe you shouldn’t have …
- Educating – Let’s discuss what you learned from this…
- Interrogating – How long has this been going on?
- Correcting – That’s not what your sister told me.
- One-upping – You think that’s bad, one time I was …
- Storytelling – That sounds like the time my friend …
I’m not suggesting everything on the above list is wrong. I’m saying if we jump into fixing mode instead of actively listening, we’re likely to increase conflict rather than reduce it.
If we learn to keep all those thoughts to ourselves and focus instead on listening without judging, trying to understand their feelings and unmet needs, we will A) meet the speaker’s need to be heard, seen, and understood, and B) be better informed about how to help.
Learning to listen without casting blame
When people are upset, they tend to lash out. Those hurtful or hostile words can trigger emotions in us, and that can lead us to turn defensive instead of listening with empathy.
How can we remain calm when hurtful words erupt? By making a conscious choice about how we receive the words. In any conversation, we have choices about how we receive negative messages.
- We can take it personally and blame ourselves. We accept responsibility for the negativity. I shouldn’t have said that. They must think I’m an insensitive jerk. They hate me.
- We can take it personally and blame the other person. Instead of blaming ourselves, we can lay the blame on the speaker. You are prejudiced. You’re being unfair. You are twisting my words.
- Or, we can focus on the speaker’s needs and feelings. This is the goal of listening with empathy. To pay attention to the feelings and needs behind the words instead of the words themselves. When we choose to focus on unmet needs instead of whatever opinions, judgments, or criticisms the person says, we can move past conflict and find understanding.
Extending empathy to ourselves.
We need empathy to give empathy.
“It is impossible to give something to another when we don’t have it ourselves. Likewise, if we find ourselves unwilling or unable to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others.”
Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
We are not able to adequately help others when we are in too much pain ourselves. Sometimes we need to listen to ourselves with empathy, and deal with some of our own unmet needs before we are ready to serve others.
We must learn to give ourselves permission to be imperfect, weak, or needy, and then to apply self-compassion instead of judgment. If you find it impossible to remain calm during conversations, it may be a signal that you have a lot of unprocessed pain in your heart. Perhaps you need to spend some time listening to your own emotional signals and seeking ways to meet some of the unmet needs you’ve been ignoring.
Where can listening with empathy make a difference in your relationships?
Listening can be a powerful tool to defuse conflict and build understanding. What relationship are you struggling with today that could use a dose of empathy and active listening? Begin practicing these listening tips today and I hope you will enjoy healthier, happier conversations.
This is a really insightful post. Thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions.
Lauren – bournemouthgirl
Thank you. I’m a good-listener-in-training, but I’m doing what I can to share what I learn.