Do you often find yourself staying silent in conversations or avoiding difficult discussions altogether? Keeping your thoughts to yourself works fine when you do it now and then. However, if it becomes a habit, your friend and family relationships will suffer. That’s why speaking up is an important key to building healthy connections with others.
Recovering people pleaser tool #5 – a telephone
Imagine what it would look like if I were trying to have a phone conversation with my cat. It won’t be very effective, will it?
Because a conversation requires two-way communication. Both parties need to participate. When one party doesn’t say anything, the conversation becomes a monologue or a lecture. Information may be passed on, but the relationship won’t grow in the same way it does when two people share thoughts and ideas with each other.
That’s why the telephone is an important tool for recovering people pleasers. It reminds us to hold up our end of the conversation. How can our friends or family remain in touch with us, learn to know us better, or understand how to love us well if we never tell them what we think, feel, or need?
5 common barriers to speaking up
Unfortunately, when we live with people pleasing or conflict avoiding habits, we often struggle to express our thoughts and feelings. These common barriers may be preventing us from communicating effectively.
- Fear. We may fear being judged, misunderstood, or dismissed, which can make it challenging to speak up, even if we know that it’s the right thing to do.
- Insecurity. Sometimes we assume that the other person is too busy or uninterested in us to listen, so we don’t bother speaking up.
- Potential for conflict. We don’t want to upset anyone, so we keep our opinions or preferences to ourselves rather than speaking up and ruffling someone’s feathers.
- Lack of words. Sometimes we aren’t sure how to put our ideas or feelings into words, so it’s easier to say nothing than sound like a rambling idiot.
- Lack of practice. Most of us aren’t born with brilliant communication skills. It takes time and practice to develop them. If we don’t practice speaking up and expressing ourselves, we can easily fall into patterns of silence or avoidance.
What can we do to overcome these barriers and become better at speaking up? Here are three steps we can take.
Showing up: real relationships need the real you
Many of us prioritize others’ needs over our own, leading us to silence our own thoughts and feelings. However, this pattern ultimately leads to resentment and dissatisfaction in our relationships, because we are not showing up as our true selves.
When a relationship is built on a false version of who we are, it’s a relationship built on pretense and lies. If we want to build lasting, healthy relationships, we must show up authentically. We must be willing to be vulnerable and let our true self be seen and heard instead of pretending to be whoever we think the other person wants us to be. By being honest and open, we can build stronger bonds with those around us. In turn, this will increase our self-confidence, and improve our emotional well-being.
Standing up: healthy relationships are based on mutual respect
One of the key elements of a healthy relationship is a give and take dynamic. This means that both parties are willing to compromise and make sacrifices for each other’s happiness. It’s not about one person always getting their way while the other silently gives in to their demands and expectations.
In any positive relationship, both people should feel valued and respected. This requires open and honest communication, as well as a willingness to listen to each other’s needs and desires. When both people feel like they are seen, heard, and understood, they are more likely to feel satisfied and fulfilled in the relationship.
But that healthy give and take won’t happen unless we express ourselves honestly and believe that our needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. This can be difficult when we ‘ve been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs above our own.
But it’s worth the effort!
And remember, others want to know you better. They care about you and your thoughts and they want you to be happy. So speak up and let them know the real you.
Speaking up: it’s important to communicate your expectations clearly
Disappointments and misunderstandings in a relationship often arise because we’ve failed to communicate our expectations clearly. Our reluctance to speak up and state our needs or share our feelings can backfire—causing more conflict instead of avoiding it.
Hints, beating around the bush, and assuming the other person knows what we need are all paths to frustration and disappointment. Instead, by speaking up respectfully but clearly, we can avoid confusion and make it easier for others to meet our needs.
Learning how to speak truthfully is a crucial skill that all of us can master. It will take practice to ditch our ingrained habits of pretense and staying silent, but with practice we can learn healthier habits of speaking up honestly and clearly, while remaining kind and respectful.
Are you ready to show up, stand up, and speak up?
Healthy relationships, like phone conversations, are built on two-way communication. When both parties are able to speak up authentically and honestly, secure in the knowledge their ideas matter, the relationship is able to flourish.
To build the courage to speak up confidently in any situation, it’s important to practice. We can start small by speaking up in low-stakes situations and gradually work our way up to more challenging scenarios.
Bonus Hack: tips for speaking up
If speaking up is challenging, try creating some “trigger phrases.” These are neutral statements that let others know you wish to join in, but that also give you time to consider your words. Here are some examples:
- I have a question about that.
- Before we move on, can I say something?
- I’m uncomfortable about something here.
- Hold on, I need a moment to process this.
Using a trigger phrase like these can help you get past the fear of saying something and open up space for you to add to the conversation.
Where will you practice speaking up in some small way today?
Recovering people pleaser tool #5 – a telephone of two-way communication
A telephone reminds you that real relationships are built on two-way communication. You must speak up to let others know your thoughts and feelings.
