Who enjoys unsolicited advice? No one! Yet, we’re surrounded by subtle and not-so-subtle messages that try to advise us about who we should be, how we should look, and what we should do. Are you and I listening to the right voices, or are we allowing other people’s opinions to bully us into making choices we’d rather not make?
As Geri Scazzerro says in The Emotionally Healthy Woman,
“By adulthood we accumulate millions of messages, spoken and unspoken, from our families, cultures, even our churches. They tell us what we must do, be, think, and feel to be loved, accepted and approved.”
For those of us who struggle with people pleasing, those messages are hard to ignore. But we must realize that some of those voices are giving us unhelpful or unhealthy advice. We cannot escape the voices that surround us, but we can decide which ones deserve our attention. And which do not.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #6, a volume control
A volume control does one simple thing—it allows us to make something louder or quieter. When applied to people pleasing, the volume control gives us the power to turn up helpful voices and turn down unhelpful voices. Instead of living in fear of what others might think, we can turn down the volume on criticism, judgment, and other unhelpful inputs that lead us to please others to the detriment of our health, families, priorities, or values.
You can’t please all the people all the time
If we tried to please everyone all the time, we’d be driven crazy. One friend counsels us to speak up more at work and advocate for better treatment. Another tells us to keep our head down and suck it up. We can’t do both at the same time.
Therefore, we’re already using our volume control to listen to some advice while ignoring other advice. But are we being wise about which voices we tune into and which ones we ignore? The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but the loudest voices aren’t always the ones we want to listen to. (In fact, the loudest voices are often the most demanding and demeaning—a red flag.)
There will always be critical voices
Some people are impossible to please. Others seem to thrive on complaining, insulting, or manipulating. We can’t completely avoid these people, but we don’t have to live in fear of their opinions. We can learn to turn down the volume of these voices by choosing not to believe all they say, and by replacing their criticism with better voices and God’s truth.
When we neglect to use our mental volume control, we are at the mercy of those around us. When we are not discerning about whose opinions we care about and whose we ignore, we are allowing others to dictate our choices and behaviors.
That’s not how I want to live!
How to discern the right voices? Check your motivation.
Get into the habit of checking your motivation before turning up the volume. Why am I listening to this person (or group)? Have they earned the right to speak into my life? Does listening to their opinions lead me to behavior that pleases God, or am I only seeking to win their approval?
Why am I feeling compelled to follow what they think and say? Am I listening to this voice because I want to avoid judgement, criticism, or ridicule? Or am I listening because I know this person has my best interest at heart?
Ask yourself questions like these to discern which voices to listen to and which need the volume turned down:
- Whose voice am I listening to right now? Is this a voice of a person I trust to be helpful?
- What’s my motivation for complying to this voice? Am I acting out of fear?
- Does listening to this voice honor God and respect others?
Seek positive voices
Our mental volume control is a powerful tool, but it takes lots of practice to use it wisely. We can’t drown out all the unhelpful voices in our lives without seeking out better ones to replace them. Which means we need to intentionally spend more time with people who speak positive, encouraging, loving messages, and less time with those who speak critical, judgmental, unloving messages.
Turning down the volume on voices we’ve been listening to for years isn’t easy! We need advocates, mentors and encouraging friends who will help us through the scary, unpleasant moments of ignoring criticism from voices we’ve decided no longer have permission to control us.
But you can do it! One choice at a time.
Your turn: Begin listening to the right voices
This week, talk to somebody you trust about this issue and ask for their help as you learn to utilize your volume control to tune into the right voices. Ask them to pray for you and to remind you of the truth when unhelpful voices drag you into doubt and defeat.
Recovering People Pleaser Tool #6 – the volume control on other’s opinions.
The volume control reminds you that not all voices are worth listening to. If we choose to please God, we will face criticism, therefore we must control which opinions we listen to and which we turn down.
