17 Ways to Cope With Painful Emotions

When an emotional whirlwind hits, all we want to do is make the unpleasant feelings go away. Our instinct is to reach for whatever will numb the pain or help us escape from our rotten feelings. Unfortunately, eating an entire tub of cookie dough ice cream or playing hours of mind-numbing video games isn’t the healthiest way to cope with our emotional problems. A better solution is to practice self-soothing techniques.

What is self-soothing?

Self-soothing is an emotional regulation strategy used to regain equilibrium after an upsetting event.

Most of us are familiar with soothing others when they are upset or afraid, especially if we have children. However, when we are triggered as adults, it’s difficult to regulate potentially disruptive emotions like anger, fear, and sadness, especially in a public space such as the workplace.

PositivePsychology.com

Self-soothing is any set of behaviors that help you feel safe and soothed as you experience a painful emotion. When your threat response is triggered, the message being received by your brain is, “We are not safe! All is not OK! Do something about this now!” If we want that distressing emotion to stop escalating, … we need to feed our body and brain new information that we are safe.

Dr. Julie Smith in Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

Since the body takes in information from our senses as well as physical signals such as heart rate, there are lots of ways we can send calming messages that will help us get through the experience without resorting to unhealthy behaviors. Here are seventeen suggestions for you to try.

Sight

• Find a change of view. Moving to a new environment can help, especially if you can go to a more soothing place. If possible, go outside in nature, or else find a place with a more pleasant, calming ambiance.  
• Look at soothing images. Photos of loved ones or special places. Pictures of peaceful images such as burning candles or religious art.
• Focus on a color. Blue and green are the most soothing colors. Yellow is cheerful and pink is soft and nurturing. Focus on the color for several breaths. You can also look for other objects with the same color, as a way to further distract yourself from the troubling emotion.

Touch

• Give yourself a hug. Any type of compassionate touch can release hormones that make you feel safe and connected. An alternative to a self-hug is to place the right hand on the heart and the left hand on the stomach. Feel your breathing through your hands.
• Take a warm shower or bath. The warmth helps you relax. Add bubbles or bath salts for even more sensory soothing.
• Touch a favorite object. Gently handle a piece of fabric with a soothing texture, or some other object that feels safe and calming, such as a stress ball. (I guess this is why some kids have a favorite blankie or stuffed animal.)

Hearing

• Calming music. Listen to music that is calming or peaceful.
• Soothing sounds. Listen to white noise, bird song, running water, or any other background noise that feels calming to you.
• Read out loud. Read or recite a prayer, favorite psalm, or other Bible passages. Or read a favorite quote or two that helps you recenter and find peace.

Smell

• Breathe in a soothing scent. Choose a hand lotion, perfume, or candle with a scent you find peaceful or that makes you feel safe.
• Use calming essential oils. Use a diffuser to fill your room with a calming scent. Lavender, sandalwood, orange, rose, and jasmine are all good choices to try.

Taste

• Sip tea. Slowly drink a cup of soothing herbal tea, or your favorite non-caffeinated hot beverage.
• Try a calming nibble. You want to avoid  stress eating, but you might find something like a mint candy or piece of gum provides a strong hit of flavor you find calming.

Whole body

• Focused breathing. Slow, focused breathing is a great way to calm down, and you can do it anywhere, any time. Studies show that when you exhale for longer than you inhale, you slow your heart rate, which signals your body to calm down. Try this pattern. Breathe in for a count of three, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for a count of five.
• Stretch. Take five minutes and stretch the tension from tight muscles. This post illustrates nine easy stretches you can do at your desk. If you can get on the floor, you can try these simple yoga poses.
• Take a mindful walk. Exercise helps your body work off the jangling feeling of anxiety. For a more powerful way to soothe troubled emotions, stay as mindful as possible as you take a 10–15-minute walk. Point your attention on your senses. Notice the sound of your footfalls and ambient noises, feel the swish of fabric, notice the faint scent of flowers on the breeze. Every time your mind returns to your troubles, gently refocus on your environment.
• Repetitive tasks. Any task you do over and over in a rhythmic manner can ease tension and allow the body to work off anxiety. A simple activity like knitting or folding laundry may help. Or find a rhythm while doodling on paper or polishing something.

How do you know which self-soothing tricks works for you?

By practicing them.

I suggest you experiment with all the above suggestions on days when you are not dealing with strong emotions. Figure out a few that work well for you, and then begin to practice them any time your emotions run high.

Bonus idea: create a self-soothing “first aid kit”

Do you keep a first aid kit in your car, suitcase, or desk? Good for you. But a Band-Aid won’t help much when your facing an emotional wound rather than a paper cut. So experts suggest collecting a few of your favorite self-soothing items, so you have them at hand when you need them.

Because when painful emotions hit, we’re no longer thinking clearly. We need to have that self-soothing kit available right away, or it’s off to the freezer for that tub of ice cream.

What to put in your self-soothing first aid kit.

Perhaps you want to keep a bottle of essential oil, a teabag or two, a scrap of fabric, or some photos in your desk at work or in an easy to reach place at home.

You can also create a self-soothing file on your phone, with a calming playlist, a folder of soothing images and a note that reminds you to breathe, stretch, or recite a psalm.

May these ideas help you weather your emotional storms with more confidence (and fewer calories).