I don’t like asking for help any more than the next person. But the simple truth is, we can’t make it through a crisis on our own. Nor should we try. A crisis means we’re facing more than we can handle. The sooner we admit we’re in over our heads and we need help, the sooner we can begin to receive that support. Because, without assistance during our season of trauma, we’ll slowly be stretched and stretched until something breaks. And that something may be us.
It’s humbling to admit we need help, but doing so is good for our soul and our sanity. We humans weren’t intended to do life as rugged individualists who need nobody. We were created to live in community. Serving others gives us purpose. Therefore, allowing others to serve us honors their purpose.
Still not convinced asking for help is a good idea? Consider a two-year-old who insists, “I do it myself” even when A) they aren’t yet capable of doing it themselves or B) allowing a parent to assist them will make the process go smoother and end in success rather than frustration and failure. The lesson? Independence isn’t the best choice in all circumstances.
Likewise, when our world crumbles during a crisis, we need to move past our inner two-year-old and recognize that success and sanity come through teamwork rather than stubborn, prideful independence.
Why do I hate to admit I need help?
Unfortunately, since our society values independence and proving worth through accomplishments, we are surrounded by unhelpful messages that keep us from asking for help when we need it. Messages like the following:
- Needing help means I’m a weakling.
- Accepting help means I must give up control and become helpless and vulnerable.
- Successful people do it on their own. If I ask for help, I’m admitting I’m a failure.
- If I ask for help, I’ll look stupid.
- It takes more effort to find good help than it does to do it myself.
- Asking for assistance is an imposition on others. It’s selfish.
None of these statement are true.
Here are three things I discovered when I quit listening to those unhelpful beliefs and instead was brave enough to admit I needed help:
Receiving meals makes a bigger difference than I thought.
Bringing a meal to someone doesn’t feel like a lot. But when this latest crisis struck and I was hosting out of town guests, helping my mother get settled into nursing care, and dealing with a multitude of details, the fact I didn’t even have to think about meals was a huge relief. (Normally making dinner doesn’t stress me out, but during that first week of crisis it was more than I could have coped with.)
Thus a few simple meal provided by friends reduced my stress level a lot. And this concept applies to other small practical services beyond meals. (Babysitting, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, etc.) When someone offers help in some small way, say yes no matter how insignificant it seems. In hindsight, you may be super grateful for those small, practical gestures. (And, from now on, I have a better appreciation for how important providing meals to others can be.)
Good friends are happy to help.
We often hesitate to ask for help because we don’t want to be a burden on others. But I have found that offering friends a chance to be of service is a blessing rather than a burden. Many of my friends went out of their way to be of service to me—because they love me and they were delighted to give something of themselves to bless me.
Don’t rob yourself and your friends of opportunities for mutual blessing. When you are in a crisis and you need help, ask! It might be easier if you focus on how asking for help honors their abilities and knowledge. Receiving help communicates that you value other people’s time and talents.
Admitting I need help is freeing.
For the past few years, I’ve carried most of the burden of caring for my parents alone. I was tough and capable and I could handle it.
Until I couldn’t anymore.
The same day my mom landed in the hospital, my main email went haywire. I couldn’t access my email, or even get to a screen where I could change a password. It was too much to face just then, so I asked my husband to take care of it for me. And then I asked him to make a few calls about some other paperwork issues that I’d been struggling with.
Just admitting to my husband that I wasn’t coping well and needed help was a big relief. It immediately lifted weight off my shoulders even before he did anything about the problems. And I think this one act of admitting I wasn’t coping well help paved the way for me to ask for and accept assistance from other sources.
In what area of life do you need a dose of help today?
Is there an area inf your life today where you feel overwhelmed? Stuck? Frustrated? Too exhausted to care? Consider how someone could come alongside you in that area and help you bear the burden or overcome the obstacle.
And if you’re in the midst of a crisis, quit fooling yourself that you can get through it alone. You can’t. (Not without serious consequences to your health and relationships, anyway.) Find supportive friends and wise mentors and ask for help.
If you’re struggling over what to say or how to say it, read this post on how to ask for help successfully.
