Why do we suddenly fly off the handle with our spouse or say cutting remarks to a friend? We’re usually kind, mature, and respectful! What came over us? The answer may be … Shame. When someone’s words or actions set off our shame triggers, our body and emotions go into reaction mode, and the result usually isn’t pretty.
According to shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown:
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations.”
As I mentioned in my last post, shame messages are everywhere. We can’t avoid things that trigger feelings of shame, but we can become more resilient—able to work through the feelings without being sucked into the vortex.
If we want to become more resilient to shame’s effects, we need to learn how to recognize how it shows up in our lives. What triggers it? What does it feel like? How do we typically react?
Identifying shame triggers in our bodies
We often feel shame in our bodies before our brains notice what happened. Thus, when we learn to recognize our bodies’ physical responses to shame, it will serve as a red flag that we’re reacting to a shame trigger. If we can pause when we first notice our physical sensations, we may be able to step away from the situation until we pull ourselves together. That can give us the space to respond intentionally instead of reacting instinctively and saying something we’ll regret later.
Can you describe your physical reactions to shame? I feel shame as a hot, tight knot in my chest and a flood of heat to my face. Other common physical reactions to shame include: nausea, feeling shaky, waves of heat in the face or chest, stomach tightening, wincing, dry mouth, or trouble swallowing.
Which sensations do you feel?
I feel shame in or on my __________________. When shame strikes, I feel like _______________.
Once we understand what our body is telling us, we can use it as part of our coping strategy.
Shame triggers come from unwanted labels
Shame attacks our identity by giving us unwanted identities or labels. For example: we don’t want to be labeled as stupid, fat, clumsy or a bad mother. Those labels undermine our expectations of how our “ideal” self ought to look. Therefore, we react when someone assigns one of these unwanted identities to us. (Or when our inner critic assigns them to us in our heads)
What unwanted labels trigger you?
It’s really important for me NOT to be perceived as _____________________.
Anything that completes the above sentence for you is a shame trigger. Of course, some triggers are more potent than others. If you feel a sensation in your body just thinking about a certain unwanted label, it’s probably a strong trigger.
Another way to identify our strongest triggers is to reword the question like this:
What will I bend over backwards to avoid being perceived as? What label will I do almost anything to avoid, even to the point of lying, lashing out, or other behavior outside my values?
My personal answers to the trigger question include not wanting to be perceived as: stupid, socially awkward, helpless, or unreliable.
Some shame triggers run deep
Our strongest, most painful triggers usually arise from messages ingrained in us since childhood. Parents and teachers often use shame unintentionally in an effort to motivate children. When these shameful labels are repeated often enough, we begin to accept their truth—especially when we are young and don’t know any better.
Some of these labels are obviously shame-based, such as: You’re lazy. You’re a slob. You’re too fat. However, seemingly positive messages can turn into shame triggers, because as children we accepted the implied expectations attached to them. For example:
- Be tough.
- Be a winner.
- Finish what you start.
- Don’t be a whiner.
- Don’t be late.
What makes these messages so dangerous is the unspoken “or else.” If you fail to live up to the family messages, it might look like this:
- Be tough or else you’ll dishonor the family.
- Be a winner or else everyone will see you as a loser.
- Finish what you start or else you’ll get a tongue-lashing from Mom.
- Don’t be a whiner or else Mom and Dad will ignore you.
- Don’t be late or else you’ll make the family look bad.
Thus, even as adults, we are easily triggered by unwanted labels that make us feel like we’re failing those old family messages. For example, in my family there was a strong expectation to always be on time. Being late was irresponsible. To this day, I strive to always be on time, and feel very anxious and ashamed when I arrive somewhere late. I feel like every eye is on me, condemning me for my irresponsible behavior.
Ready to practice?
This week, pay attention to your body and notice when it responds to shame with specific sensations. Be especially on the lookout for shame triggers in situations where you weren’t expecting. These are areas where shame has been ambushing you.
See if you can figure out what triggered the shame. What unwanted label did you feel like someone was assigning you?
Knowledge is power. Becoming aware of shame triggers is a critical step in lessening it’s hold on us.
“What you would take care of you must first understand, whether it be a petunia or a nation.”
Dallas Willard
The shame resilience strategies
- Know your shame triggers
- Step back and gain perspective
- Trust your caring community
- Practice empathy on yourself and others
Material excerpted from I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) Making the Journey From “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough.” by Brene Brown, Ph.D.
