I like being independent, capable, and private. I don’t like the idea of sharing my shame experiences with others. But I dislike remaining stuck in the web of shame even more. So I am coming to terms with the reality that if you and I want to get untangled from shame, we need others to help us. We cannot do this on our own. A powerful piece of becoming more resilient to shame is learning how to share our shame stories and finding a safe, caring community in which to share them.
Regardless of who we are or where we were raised or what we believe, all of us fight hidden, silent battles against not being good enough, not having enough, and not belonging enough. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the silence.”
Dr. Brene Brown
Choosing your Caring Community
It will take courage plus some trial and error to find your caring community. Don’t assume your mother, sister, or BFF is all you need. Since all of us have sensitive shame triggers, we’re all going to react to some topics more defensively than others. For example, your sister may be a safe person to share shame related to body image or motherhood, but when it comes to career or taking an unpopular stand on a current issue, she may judge you rather than empathize. This is normal.
Thus, a person can be an encouraging support in one area of while being part of the shame web in another. Which means we need several people in our support network. As we develop a trusted caring community, we will learn which ones can best support us in which areas.
Courage gives us a voice and compassion gives us an ear. Without both, there is no opportunity for empathy and connection.”
Dr. Brene Brown
I don’t know how to say it. Guidelines to help you speak up.
If you’re feeling bewildered about how to describe what you feel, here is a list of potential words you could use. Experiment with these terms, or find others that best describe your particular shame stories.
- Confused. I always assumed ___, but now my experience tells me that isn’t true and I don’t know what to think.
- Rushed. I feel shame because others (or myself) expected me to ______ by now.
- Impatient. Why hasn’t my life gone the way I wanted it to? Why can’t I et over this already?
- Afraid. I don’t like being in the dark about _____. I’m afraid I may be stuck in _____ forever.
- Angry. I’ve counted on _____ to do what I needed, and it/they failed me.
- Resentful. I’ve been unfairly treated or judged.
- Isolated and alone. I feel like the only one who struggles with this issue.
- Sad. I’m grieving , but nobody knows it and I’m too ashamed to admit it.
- Hopeless. It feels like _____ is never going to change and I’ll be stuck like this forever.
- Unsettled. This issue makes it hard to make decisions about my future. I’m facing too many unknowns.
How can we be part of a caring community for others?
Community is about both giving and receiving. Here are some guidelines for how we can be an effective support as others share their shame stories with us.
- Be a good listener. Listen so others feel heard, seen, and understood. Listen without fixing, saving, advising, or setting others straight. Instead, help your friend process their thoughts verbally without letting your opinions intrude.
- Be available and engaged. Give the speaker your whole attention and don’t withdraw emotionally.
- Please avoid the desire to lighten the mood when things get awkward or intense. Let the speaker make jokes to ease the tension rather than you. “Knowing laughter” is healing, but it works best if you let the speaker initiate it.
- Be supportive, even if you don’t agree with their opinions or decisions.
- Sometimes the speaker will bring up uncomfortable topics. If you are unsettled or unsure how to respond, gently admit it. Ask the speaker what they need from you.
- Be honest. If you don’t agree with the speaker or don’t understand what they’re trying to describe, please ask them to clarify. The fact you want to know tells them you care.
- Be patient. It may take time for someone to explain what they’re struggling with. And since shame isn’t an issue we can “get over” quickly, you may have multiple discussions over the same struggle. It’s OK.
- Finally, be positive and encouraging. Be the reliable, strong rock for others, just as you count on them to be strong for you.
It’s not easy to find your caring community, but you can do it
Be prepared for some rocky conversations. Sometimes our attempts to share will trigger shame in the listener and they will shut down or lash out. Don’t let these moments scare you away from seeking trusted friends who will listen.
Take one step today to speak your shame out of hiding.
If you’re terrified to share with another, practice by yourself. Tell God (out loud) how shame makes you feel and practice describing your experiences to him. When you’re ready, find a trusted friend and courageously share a moment of shame with them. If they listen with compassion and empathy, congratulations! You’ve added a thread to your compassion web instead of your shame web.
“In relationships we are given threads. We can use these threads to weave webs that trap others or to weave blankets of support. It’s our choice.”
Dr. Brene Brown
The shame resilience strategies
- Know your shame triggers
- Step back and gain perspective
- Trust your caring community
- Practice empathy on yourself and others
Material excerpted from I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) Making the Journey From “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough.” by Brene Brown, Ph.D.
