Everyone feels nervous about facing things that scare them. Some of us may feel anxious about attending a neighborhood block party while others feel anxious about going on stage to sing a solo for the first time. Whatever the issues, we all face situations where we lack confidence and feel afraid.
Fortunately, we can all strengthen our confidence muscles, which will gradually allow us to be less anxious when facing new or scary situations.
How to grow your confidence
Confidence grows with each tiny success, therefore, in order to work up enough confidence to tackle big goals, it’s a good idea to start with smaller ones. Make a list of 3-4 small actions that make you uncomfortable. This could be talking with your neighbor, speaking up in a meeting, or actually voting for your favorite restaurant instead of letting someone else choose.
Next, make it your goal to face your fears and do the challenging things on your list this week. And again the week after.
Remind yourself that the first time is the hardest. Once you’ve succeeded with those small actions a few times, it will get easier. Then you’re ready to tackle more intimidating tasks, such as making a customer service call you’ve been avoiding or telling a personal story in a group of people you don’t know well.
Each new situation you face will make you feel anxious and uncomfortable, but as you slowly succeed in facing challenges, you will be able to look back at past success, which will give you courage for the next one.
Ready to tackle one of the items on your list? Here are 3 simple tips to boost your confidence and help you accomplish scary things
Give yourself a role
Sometimes a little bit of structure can help you get past your fears. The next time you face a social situation that makes you squirm, assign yourself a role or a goal. Giving yourself an assignment can trick your brain into being more relaxed, because you’ve given it something to focus on other than your discomfort.
For example, at your next social event, you could decide to introduce yourself to four other people you see on the fringes of conversations. Now, instead of paying attention to how awkward you are feeling, you’re focused on observing others. Plus having a goal to talk to four people helps you not latch on to the first person for the whole evening.
Just be sure to choose a goal that helps you gain confidence rather than one that is aimed at pleasing someone else (like your Inner Critic). The above example would be an authentic choice for me, because I naturally feel empathy for others who find themselves on the fringes of a conversation. Assigning myself an inauthentic role, such as being the life of the party, would be unhelpful (and a disaster).
Use power poses
Did you know that making the Wonder Woman pose can boost your confidence? This may sound hokey, but studies say it helps you change your mindset. When you put your body into a more confident posture, your brain will get the message and feel more confident as well. Watch this TED talk to learn more about power poses.
Stop using safety behaviors
A safety behavior is a bad habit you’ve developed to make yourself feel safer or protect yourself from something you fear may happen. The problem with safety behaviors is that they actually make you more tense and less your authentic self. When people drop these behaviors, they appear more relaxed and pleasant to talk to.
For example, you might focus so much on what you want to say (to avoid sounding stupid) that you forget to pay attention to what others say (which results in you sounding stupid).
Other examples of safety behaviors include:
- Not making eye contact
- Putting a hand in front of your mouth when you talk
- Wearing plain, neutral clothes so you won’t be the center of attention (even if you actually love bright colors)
- Downing alcohol to brace yourself or relax your inhibitions
These behaviors may be so unconscious that you can’t list them off the top of your head, to pay attention when you’re in socially anxious situations and identify your particular bad habits. Once you’ve identified them, make a conscious effort to resist those behaviors and see what happens.
You can do it!
Are you ready to conquer your fears and become a more confident person? You can grow your confidence one small step at a time. Start today by choosing challenging situation from your list and one strategy that will help you get through it. You got this!
Find more advice on growing your confidence in the book How to Be Yourself by Ellen Hendriksen, ph D.
